Nervous Chatter

I wanna BLANK you like an animal..

2006-01-24T10:55:00.000-05:00

Imagine this...

What if we as humans took on some of the same behaviors as dogs? Particularly a dog's views, attitudes and actions of courtship. Can you picture it? How different would our lives be if we behaved like dogs?

For example, the greeting. Dogs introduce themselves and/or greet one another by sniffing butts. What if that's the way we approached each other the first time we met? You go to meet someone new, walk right up, sniff their butt and in return, they sniff yours. I can see it going something like this:

A new employee comes into work. Immediately, you walk over and sniff their butt. Then, that person takes their turn and sniffs yours. Then conversation begins. "Nice to meet you, my name is Sam and yours?"

Even worse, what if the day you go to meet someone, they have really bad gas? I mean, first impressions are a big deal right? Kinda the same as meeting someone who has really bad breath isn't it? But really, what if you went to introduce yourself (sniffed the butt) and they had just farted? God, that'd be awful! Would they make an "ORBIT" flavor for your ass?

Another example, dogs don't date. Male dog sees a female dog in heat he goes after her...just starts humping away. Sometimes the Female fights him off, sometimes she doesn't. Now apply that to our world:

You are at the grocery store picking up a few things, you see a hot girl in the frozen food section. You walk up to her and immediately just start humping. No, "Hi there my name is..." No dinner, no movie, no nothing! Can you imagine? Just walk up and start hittin it. And she would either, force you off because you weren't her type or she wasn't in the mood, OR she'd just get right on into it! Then after it was over, conversation starts, "So....come here often?"

Finally, (but far from the end of possibilities) dogs leave their mark. Where ever they go, they let others know they have been there. How on earth would that affect our day to day lives?

You're walking through down town with a friend, you sniff a lamp post, you say, "Oh my god, that girl has to be hot! I have to find her" The next few weeks you trail her scent, until finally one day you meet, then apply the concept of the grocery store above. What a story for the grandkids! "I found your grandmother on May 18th of whatever year, but didn't actually meet her until Jun 21st."

Dogs...simple and stupid. Or are they?

I heart Vicodin

2006-01-24T09:14:00.000-05:00

Thought of the day...

Burton Snowboarding Pants (a gift from the girl) = $100

Lift ticket at Ski Beech = $40

Snowboard rental = $25

Torn MCL and dislocated knee cap resulting in doctor bill, prescriptions, missed school and work = $150

First snowboarding trip overall = PRICELESS

True, I may be sitting here with my leg in a splint, pain killers in my blood stream, and a knee the size of a watermelon, but still, I'm satisfied. Snowboarding was an absolute blast! I imagined it would be.

Starting back when I was younger, I wanted to skate. I dreamed about it. A good majority of my friends were skaters and watching them do there little tricks amazed me. But, something about the idea of face pavement didn't settle well with me. So I spent a few years of my youth watching my friends collect bruises, cuts, and broken bones from skateboarding, only trying a trick or two every now and then on a borrowed board. I was envious bur I never got the courage to buy my own board. I did however escape injury free.

Headed to Hawaii. I do not think there was one person who found out I was going to be stationed in Hawaii that DID NOT say, "You gotta learn to surf!" Indeed, I couldn't spend 3 years in Hawaii and not learn how to surf right? But in actuality, it wasn't until I got to the island that I realized just how bad of a swimmer I was. I can hold my own in a pool, but in the ocean, the under current and the waves make me so nervous that I can't even float or tread water. Damn near impossible to learn how to surf if you can't even swim! Once again, a dream shattered.

But now I'm back on the east coast, back in the mountains. Mountains = snow. Another fascination, snowboarding. But this time, I wasn't frightened by the idea! I am aware that people get injured from snowboarding all the time but I reasoned that falling face first in the snow had to be a little less painful than say sliding across the face on some pavement. Also, I'm pretty sure you can't drown in the snow. I'm sold!

This past weekend, we celebrated Dee's birthday with a trip to Ski Beech. The crew consisted of me, the girl, and Kaya, plus the friends, Slim and Rae, Jessie and Dee, and Liz. It was sad that Kaya, the snow dog, couldn't actually come on the mountain with us tho. Anyway, Slim, Liz, and D all skiied, while me, G, and Jessie snowboarded. (Rae just held down the fort drinking beer in the lodge, atta girl!) G was the only one who actually knew what she was doing! And she does it rather well I might add. But Jessie and I had desire to learn and hell, everyone starts somewhere right? I knew I was in for a treat the minute I stepped into those bindings. The exact thought, "Oh shit, this is gonna hurt....alot"

It did.

Ride, fall, ride, fall ride fall. And that was just the first 5 minutes. The process of just getting from the Bunny Slope, to the first lift we decided to get on was not the easiest task I'd ever completed. Even in the first couple of falls, one in particular, pulled hard on my knee, my bad knee. I know it seems rather brave or stupid, either way you wanna look at, trying to snowboard with a bad knee, but I was deteremined that nothing was going to stop me.
I was far from the only one having a little trouble. Dee, well we kinda ran into one another. Slim went off the mountain and fell then some guy followed that same path and landed on top of her and the two had to struggle for a few minutes trying to untangle themselves and their poles and their skis. Liz was concerned about me and Dee so she waited for us before she headed down the little hill to the lift. G described it this way, "SO Liz starts on her way, smiling at me, and just slowly going along then BAM! Face first in the snow."

We aren't the brightest crayons. We got on this lift, assuming that it was a beginners lift, when really NONE of us thought about looking at a map or something that would send us in the right direction. After a few moments, we started to realize, "Uh oh, this thing isn't stopping." And it didn't stop until we reached the top! We all stumbled off the lift and glanced at the mountain that went STRAIGHT DOWN. It was an intermediate slope but to a bunch of beginners it looked as if someone might break something. Liz proclaimed, "I need a beer", D said, "I think I'm just gonna slide on my butt the whole way down." Slim said, "can't we just ride the lift back down?" Jessie said, "fuck it, we're here let's do it!" Some random 12 year old said, "It's not hard" The group just scowled! I think I just kept muttering, "Are you serious?" Everyone was terrified, well, except my baby. She says, "oh it's ok guys, it's only an intermediate slope!"

Jessie went straight to it. I saw her do the ride, fall, ride, fall thing, until she disappeared into the fog. (visibility was HORRIBLE) G waited on me to get started. Ride, fall, ride fall. It was frustrating! That whole not being able to stop or slow down without falling really kinda pissed me off.

There was one time that I got ahead of Jessie and I heard a noise behind me, looked and saw her board coming straight for my head. That was awesome. But truthfully as I got to the beginners slope I started having some nice rides where I was up for more than 30 seconds. What was bad tho was not being able to slow down, I'd get going and riding rather well but get nervous about the increasing speed, it felt like I was flying! What a rush! But kinda scary when you can't control it you know? So sometimes I would fall to stop myself, other times, I'd just be riding along and SPLAT, no idea what happened just ended up sliding on my face, butt, shoulder. Needless to say, there are many bruises in many places. Finally I made it to the bottom and found G. Man she was awesome, far more advanced than anyone else in the group, she'd ride a little then stop and wait on me to tumble past her, then ride some more. Well we waited on the group for a bit. Jessie had that fearless "I know I'm gonna fall so why not do it fast and hard" attitude. She had made it down before us. G was worried about the skiiers. Hadn't seen them since the top. We gave it a few minutes, then headed off to the right lift this time for another run. I started getting a little more comfortable riding. Still couldn't control speed or turn really well. Then it happened. I got all the way to the bottom and didn't want to hit anyone so I was getting ready to fall to stop but the board did it for me. I'm not sure what happened exactly I just know that when I landed the snowboard went one way and the knee went another. I felt my knee cap sublocate once again (even though I was wearing my brace) and really didn't think I'd be able to get up and walk. But I couldn't look like a wuss. I managed to pry myself out of the bindings and get off the slope. I told G to go take some rides without me that I needed to rest but to come get me before the lifts closed so we could go down once more.

Off to the lodge. I found the rest of the group drinking beer and after I limped my way up the stairs I joined them. Everyone had a horror story. It took Shannon, Liz, and D between an hour - an hour and a half to get down the first slope! OH WOW!

By the time I finished a beer G came to get me, I wasn't about to tell her no! So we went out again! Yeah, I was in some pain, but snowboarding is fun! I mean I really did enjoy the rides I had in between falls. We took a new slope, it was intermediate. The best part was getting off the lift and unable to control my direction, clobbered G! She had done such a good job of staying up as we slid down the little hill off the lift but then I came along and sent her right to the ground. I made her go on without me because I knew it would take me some time to get down . It was steep, much like the first part of the first slope. Ride, fall, ride, fall, ride, fall. Still the rides I did manage were getting longer but now, with my knee already in so much pain I was so cautious of not having another fall like that. I wanted my falls to be on my own damn terms! So when I started gaining an uncomfortable speed I'd lay it down. I do believe the highlight was when, I'm not sure how it happened, but my board turned around on me, my back now facing down the mountain, then POW! I did this kinda back flip thing and landed directly on my head. I saw stars and just laid there for a minute just sure that I'd busted my head open. I didn't think snow could feel so hard! I just laid there and didn't move for a few minutes. Until I made sure everything was in tact. (later I found out, I did in fact bust my head open a little bit to the point of blood) but nothing serious. After I gathered myself, I finally got down the mountain. Again, managed a few nice rides. By the time I reached the bottom tho, my knee was done and I knew it. After we finally got home, I knew I'd have to make a trip to the doc's office the next morning. I was surprised to find that it wasn't only my knee cap, that I aslo messed up my MCL. YAY! But I'm now positive that a knee surgery is in order. Not due to the injuries from snowboarding! But I'm going to continue to get injured if my knee continues to have these problems. So we'll see!

Even two days later, covered in bruises, particularly a bruised ego, and stoned off the vicodin, I'm ready to go back! Next stop....SNOW SHOE! I rode goofy this time, safe assumption considering I do everything but write, lefty, and my attempts to skateboard I was a goofy. Maybe next time I'll try regular and see if that will keep me above the snow a little more. Who knows. But it doesn't matter. I'm ready to fall again. The ride before the falling is totally worth it!

I miss that town...I miss their faces

2006-01-19T23:15:00.000-05:00

....you can't replace, you can't erase it.

So, its official. I truly miss the crew from the 808. And the saddest fact is that there really isn't a crew anymore. A few have moved on to bigger and better things. Pedro left not long after me and it's finally official mister Rob is out of the Army! Way to go bud! We definitely left our mark on Oahu though! D and Sarah get to hold down the fort while the rest of us journey on. I'd say LaDon't is holding down the fort too, hell I'm sure she's holdin something down! :) But remember she actually made the list of "reasons not to drink" twice!

What I wouldn't give for a day at the North Shore, preferably that little spot at Keana Point that Sarah and I had to ruck march to meet up with D and Ted. We can't bring the cooler dawg, just shove some beer in your shorts! After that perhaps sunset at Haliewa? Followed closely by Dixie Grill happy hour? The puppus! (Actually pupus or appetizers, pronounced poo poos, unless you are Sarah Black and you pronounce it the way I just spelled it: PUP US) What next? Maybe head down the Waikiki strip and check out the Silver man, the Gold man, and the very impressive sorta silver and gold man? Wish the Red Lion was still on Lewers! Wish I could get thrown out of the Red Lion one drunken night. Wish my friends would have to pay 20 bucks to get me back in the Red Lion some 3 months later! How about a movie at the Dollar theater? Food at Bucas? Is it time for the American Idol auditions Rob? Loved hanging out at the 2604 having American Idol parties, pajamma jammie jams, or even the PLAY'D premier party. Some people like to shop, some people like to island hop. Me and Rob like to hop around the island shopping at Goodwills! Pearl Ridge Mall American Eagle and Hollister = the devil. JAMBA JUICE! I smell bacon.

I could go on. Back in July I took a walk down memory lane. The point is...I miss em. I miss the sunshine and the blue water. I miss the aloha spirit and the spam musubi. I miss that time. That's why I'm headed back. LOOK OUT OAHU! HERE I COME. Get ready folks because I plan on gracing Honolulu INT'L round June ish. GET READY!

"....cause the names have all changed since I've been around, but the game ain't the same since I left out"

DS Ritz

2006-01-18T01:15:00.000-05:00

So I checked my email tonight, a little thing I do every now and then. Alongside the ads for viagra and get rich quick promises of a homebased business I see an email from one of my battle buddies of Basic Combat Training, and the subject was the same as it is for this blog. Grossman, the author of the email, is one of the only battle buddies from basic that I actually keep up with. Even so our emails are few and far between. Somehow I knew just by seeing the title what secret the email would hold.

It was pretty short sweet and to the point as most of our emails are. But this one in a nutshell stated. Hey B, I'm not sure if you heard but DS (Drill Sergeant) Ritz is dead. He died in Novemeber in Airborne School. She included in her email this link: http://www.matthewritz.com/, which I later explored and found to be a memorial.

DS Ritz wasn't my DS, as in specifically for my platoon, but he was a DS in my company. D Co 787 Military Police BN, Fort Leonardwood MO. But you can bet that for 17 weeks of my life I got to see his face on a daily basis. We called him Buzz Lightyear cause he kinda looked like him! And I swear anything the man said was like an exponential expression to the 5th or higher power. For example,

"hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."
"wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!"
"don't, don't, don't, don't, don't"

He was an easy target for mocking that's for sure. But I can't think of ANY soldier of D787 that didn't like DS Ritz.

I did a little research, thank you google, and found out that DS or should I say MSG (Master Sergeant) Ritz was on his 3rd and final week of Airborne School as well as his 5th and final jump needed for successful completion when he struck his head and later died due to the injuries sustained. The story is here if I have intrigued you enough to take a peek.

DS Ritz will forever play a role in the memories I have of Basic Training as well as the Army. After all he was the DS on duty the night two of my buddies decided to have their little basic training boyfriends sneak into the female barracks. That was fun.

The craziest thing is this, ever since I graduated from AIT and the war in Iraq began, I've always checked every list of the dead I've ever seen for a familiar name and thankfully I've never crossed one. How soon we forget about the soldiers on our homelands who are just doing their jobs day to day when tragedy strikes. To extend further, how often do we take for granted those around us daily? Forgive me if I sound like I'm preaching or if I sound like one of those National Friend Week forwards that we get in our inbox, but I know how easy it is to be complacent about things like that. Hell, I do it myself. If you read my blogs regularly then you know I'm all about the humor, but I guess tonight is a blue moon where I traded in my comedy for some seriousness. (It happens every now and then)

Virginia is for lovers? or jackasses?

2005-11-12T02:45:00.000-05:00

Thought of the day...

Virginia is full of Jackasses!

Now wait....whoa...hear me out before you send me nasty-grams! AHEM. What I mean by that is this...so um I'm on my way back from B-Burg today and I stop in Dublin for a food and pp operations break at the Tacobell / Gas station off exit 101 on 81. I head for the bathroom. Now I know that each of us does the same thing when we go into a public bathroom. We do the "stall search". Meaning you check out a couple before you commit to one. I ask you this....what is the ONE thing we can count on seeing in EVERY public restroom stall in the world? That's right, graffiti! Mostly you see...

Sally Jessie hearts Billy Boy (etc)
Call 555-7734 for a good time! (etc)
Some ever so clever and witty rhyme about number 1 or 2 (etc)
...or like the porta-potty at area x of Schofield Barracks, HI announces: girls 2 fuck, listing the appropriate names. (did you make the list?)

Anyway, that's what we are subjected to each time we grace the doors of a public bathroom stall. If you are clueless you either have no kidneys or bowels or you've been in a cage using newspaper your whole life.

Well, lets just say that out of the 3 stalls I checked out today in this lovely truckstop establishment, 96.48 percent of the graffiti was POLITICAL! Mostly I saw things like:

"Bush SUCKS!"
"IMPEACH BUSH"
and even some potty stall spam for a website: buyblue.org (have no idea what it's about)

Needless to say that of the 96.48 percent political graffiti I read, 99.957 percent of it was indeed pro democrat.

Let me just say 2 things. 1, I love the fact that Virginians are so god damn political! And 2, I love it even more that they are so democratic! GOD BLESS EM!

The Refugee Camp

2005-11-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

So I met this guy. Probably has the best attitude towards life of ANY one I've ever met! He's a refugee from New Orleans. He's been with UPS for 15 years and when the hurricanes were headed his way, he evacuated to Winston-Salem where he grew up. Since he's been staying here and working at our UPS. He had no ride to work so I offered to pick him up because man, I wanted to do something to help! He just got back from LA (the state not the city of Angels for you not so bright crayons out there) where he spent a week evalutating his loss. Turns out, my boy lost everything. :( That's tough. I can't imagine losing EVERYTHING I own including the life I had established. He called me up while he was down there, reported in the disaster from the front lines and announced his decision to make Winston-Salem his home. "There's nothing left down here"

Wow, that's some tear jerking stuff right there.

Monday, I picked him up for work and he climbs in my truck with this bag in hand. He announces that he did manage to salvage 2 things from his apt in New Orleans. One was a bottle of Elvis cologne which a friend had given him many years ago and which he plans on one day dumping on Elvis's grave in Graceland! And the other was a still in the package Rick James GOLD edition CD, the definitive collection, with 22 digitally remastered hits!

He pulls this CD out of the bag and hands it to me. "It's yours." He says. Isn't that AWESOME!! This guy amazes me! And not that I'm a huge Rick James fan or anything but to think that he lost everything and the one little remaining piece, he hands to me! The Rick James part was just an added bonus! He doesn't stop there....he reaches back in the bag and pulls out a t-shirt from Fat Harry's. This was for me as well. The guy is incredible.

Speakin of t-shirts, I'm still waiting on my "Limp Lifter" tee from Minneapolis! Rob, Dusty Dust? You're slackin.

Anyway, we're takin my lil refugee Bill out to Ziggy's this weekend. Cause that was his old drinkin spot back in the day and we're celebrating not only my b-day but his decision to make his life in the W-S. So if you aren't busy Saturday night, bring that ass to Ziggy's! And meet the man!

I just gotta work at it like a crack addict...

2005-11-10T11:58:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD! There is a new crack on the loose!

My latest addiction!

Why did we not have things like this when I was a kid???? Oh well, don't think I won't bust up in Walmart and buy me one anyway! I'm quite the little artist with my color explosion. Below you will see examples!

I call this one "TAG you're it"

The title of this one is "Let's see how much space on the paper we can use"

Appropriately titled "Kaya Jane" (My second latest addiction!!!!!)

ROME if you want to....

2005-11-03T13:48:00.000-05:00

...46 days and countin!

Most of you know I'm headed for the beautiful and lovely (detect underlying sarcasm here) town of Rome, NY on DEC 19th. Now it's true I've never been to Rome before so I can't really judge it but from what I've heard it's not the most happening place in the world, unless of course you have some strange addiction to dollar stores. My motivation for heading to central NY tho is not for it's welcoming atmosphere or amazing landmarks and attractions. Nope, not at all. More because on the days I will be there.....I'll get a double dose of Deanna AND Erin! WOOOOOHOOOOOO! Been missin me some D to the double LL! And God knows me and Erin were jipped on our hang out time back in Hawaii. HUMPH! I'm still bitter about that!

ANyway, if you've frequented the blog at all, you know that these cats like to drink a little bit. Just a little bit. Hell, this blog alone is probably at least 80 proof. :) But I must admit, since vacating the 808 state my tolerance has trickled down to nothing. My normal consumption of a 12 pack a week has disgracefully turned into a six pack every two weeks! And according to D...since abandoned by ALL her friends this summer...she too has lost a bit of tolerance which means the mighty Rome and Joe Blows Hitchin post or where ever the hell they drink at up there might claim some lives!

This is why Erin...I mean Sprinkle McMittens has devised a plan for me and D see below:

"I took the liberty of developing a tolerance regime in order to prepare you for the vigorous alcohol consumption we will take part in upon your arrival:

1.47-33 days prior to NY arrival, consume 1 shot of 99 every 6 hours (preferably at 6am, 12pm, 6pm and 12am) Sunday threw Saturday- for the weekends you may need to set your alarm to have your morning shot.
2. 32-14 days prior, Up shot dosage to every 3 hours
3. 14-7 days prior, continue same dosage. Mix 1 part 99 of your choice to every 3 parts of your total liquid consumption...even if it means puttin it in your milk, do it.
4. 6 days prior, fill old IV Bag with 99 and insert needle to arm. refill bag as necessary for the next 6 days.

In the event that the above mentioned regime turns you into a raging alcoholic please read disclaimer below.

I, erin elerick take no responsibility for the effects and or outcome of the above advice however, my alter ego Sprinkle McMittens, assumes full legal responsibility in the event of a lawsuit directly resulting from the abuse of the above regime."

HOLY CHRIST! This is gonna be dangerous...unless of course our drinking is rudely interrupted by the sounds of Erin snoring at the bar which she apparently did at the RED LION in WAIKIKI!

my own disclaimer:

I pray to the Gods in the heavens that we live through this little endeavor. May we maintain an unfatal blood alcohol content and may I not walk away from the trip with yet another girlfriend! Cause just as the shirt Erin has made for me says: "I heart Rome girls and Rome girls heart me"

Fightin the Hype of the Stereotype!

2005-11-02T11:15:00.000-05:00

You can't be a lesbian and NOT know the infamous joke about....

But let's pretend for a moment that...

You are heterosexual that wandered onto the site aimlessly and have no idea what you've gotten yourself into and also have no idea what connection Lesbians have to U-Hauls.
You have been stranded on a deserted island for the past 25 years with no other companion besides a twig doll you named Woody
You have just recently discovered your sexuality and now are a self proclaimed lesbian but haven't truly managed to be in your first real relationship yet.
You are bisexual meaning that it's just about the sex for you.

*PLEASE NOTE* Heterosexuals beware! I'm a recruiter and I'm all about getting my toasteroven! (Maybe that's the next joke I'll take on!)

So for those who don't know the joke it goes like this...

Q: What does a lesbian take on the second date?

A: A U-Haul

Now to most lesbians out there, we find this both funny and true in alot of situations. If you don't get the joke sweet jesus I guess I'll have to explain! Basically sayin that lesbians say to hell with takin time for courtship....lets just move in together.

Lesbians look inside yourselves! We all know someone who's done it! Or we're guilty of doin it ourselves! Which is exactly why the joke is so damn funny! But really....is there any wonder? Women are full of emotions. We find someone new, get caught up in the moment, then BAM the emotional euphoria takes control of all brain functions and before you know it (as Carrin put it) "You're callin up your girl sayin 'By the way, what's your last name? OK...I'll be there in a minute'."

Next thing you know, these girls are throwin everything they own into a pick-up truck, SUV, Jeep (Cause that's what real lesbians drive!) or Uhaul, grab the kids (cats, dogs,......turtles?) and they are on their way! It's really kinda funny how I sit here and say "they" like it's never happened to me before, but of course it has. But I only want to count one time when I guess in actuality it was two. Then again, I could write a book on my past relationships PERIOD. I could title it "The Don'ts of Dating" Because lets be honest, if I knew the "Do's" I wouldn't have such a hard time! :)

If you are in fact a lesbian and you are sitting at your computer feeling all high and mighty like it's never happened to you and never will! Then you are either you are not being honest with yourself or refer back to numero 3 above!

I have to say though...the best part about Uhaul relationships is when the honeymoon wears off, the emotional euphoria takes a huge dive and the brain re-gains control. This is the point when hindsight slaps you right in the face. Then you realize "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffin glue"

Soon you find yourself either back in the Uhaul or helpin the other person pack it up. AND there you have it....you've lost some more time....and USUALLY some more clothing! Damn it! That's the part that pisses me off! I mean why you gotta take my clothes? WHY? Mostly it's my shirts....I mean hell I got t-shirts floating around AT LEAST 4 of the 50 States! And this last time?!!??! I took 80 percent of my clothes with me out of town before the ex left and hot damn she still managed to walk away with 2 t-shirts and a pair of board shorts. WHAT THE...????

Oh god, I've strayed from point again. Adult ADD rears its ugly face once again.

Anyway yeah lesbians are guilty but you know what? STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE TOO! And this is what I truly want to investigate. Sure Sure, I know its a little more obvious when we do it because everyone is always watchin us, waitin on us to mess up so they can blame it on the dykes and fags. (Special shout out for my dawg Billy Graham!) And it's true, we do it, alot. Hell I know some people that should own stock in the company, got damn I said GOT DAMN! But believe me when I say we are not the only ones! Below I'll give you some examples with names changed to protect the identity of those discussed.

Case number 1: A heterosexual girl by the name of Lilly B has been engaged approximately 3 times. But she's been married 0 times. Means she's goin out there just acceptin proposals then realizin, "oh shit, I don't like this person at all."

Case number 2: (boys are guilty too) A VERY HETEROSEXUAL YOUNG MAN by the name of Craveheart (alter ego to Braveheart) tells me today that he may not be able to date this girl that he really likes and who is very attractive because he's a christian and she doesn't believe in God. To which I reminded him that he wanted to DATE her not MARRY her. And he responds like so, "I will not date a girl without the intent to marry her"

OH WOW....moving on

Case number 3: Mrs. LaDoes Dallas has been married twice or 3 three times who knows, but she's workin on another divorce and got 2 or 3 flings swingin on the side.

Case number 4: Ms. RayofSunshine has been married, annulled, engaged, engaged, engaged again.

Why is it again that we have take all the blame? Straight people are just as crazy as we are! Just as all those politicians out there say how "we as a nation cannot allow Gay marriages because it will destroy the traditional family image"

Umm sorry Uncle Sam, heterosexuals did that a LONG time before we became an issue. Checked the divorce rate lately Uncle Sam? Maybe you should...

Cause that's just who I am this week....

2005-10-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

There is just something about receiving a phone bill with the amount due being $824.79 that just makes a girl need to escape for a little bit. So with that in mind, I decided to flee the boundaries of North Carolina's borders and head north to a new little getaway place. I hopped in the wonder truck (which by the way still sports the Hawaii tags and manages to get me frequent stares in travel...like the people behind me race up to see a real live Hawaiian but then all they get is me....hahahaha).

I was on my way.....Destination? BLACKSBURG VA. GO Hokies! Um yeah.

The drive itself was actually very beautiful. Fall is in full effect and one thing I did miss when I was away was the changing of the leaves. I got to enjoy the view as I raced down the highway. I made excellent time until I got to the exit for Blacksburg off 81. It seems that I was singing along very intently to some Blink and even tho I was in the right lane and knew the exit was next I drove past it. This little mistake landed me in the middle of nowhere on a path I knew was wrong...

oops

After some profanities, I was once again headed in the right direction and landed myself in downtown Blacksburg where I met this kid who makes me smile. The time now, 8 something in the PM. After she vented some slight frustrations about me being fashionably late (personal character flaw #112) she took me to Rivermill Bar and Grill for a beer and a burger before heading to the movies.

Draper Rd Downtown Blacksburg

After some awesome food we headed to Christiansburg to the Mall theater to see SAW II. (hahaha I just said "see saw") Anyway, I find it hilarious that my dawg, Sarah Black, actually grew up in Christiansburg before she headed south to stake her claim in the FL. I find it even funnier that she got in a fight with a boy in that mall where the stairs meet the food court. Her take on the situation was this, "Yeah man, some dude, some old dude was all drunk tryin to rub up on me and shit and I just started wailin on him!" That's my Sarah!

SAW II

I have to say it's gory as hell, then again so was the first one, but just as the first, the plot was awesome. AND I'm almost positive that there will be a SAW III. What I'm truly trying to figure out is if this is another Friday the 13th/Halloween/Nightmare on Elm St type deal, where they just go on for fukn ever.....or will it be a trilogy like Scream. Dunno but the movie rocked and was a perfect complement to a Halloween weekend.

Next stop......well it is Halloween, better hit up a party. So I get carted off deep into the woods in Gods Country, which was scary for a minute, but not quite as scary as the 10 foot tall Beast of the Beauty and the Beast couple that parked beside us. True there was over 100 people at this party and I only knew one but that was ok because I met Mario (Mario Brothers) in the bathroom line and Carrie (stephen king type) was doin some shots in the dining room. COSTUMES were KILLIN ME! Made me wish that me, D, Rob, and Sarah could have been the characters in Spaceballs (one of the many Halloween costume ideas we'd thrown out there)

Me = Lonestar "You'll refer to me as idiot not you captain!"
Rob = Barf "BAAAARF, I'm a mog, half man, half dog"
D = Dot Matrix "That is my virgin alarm! It's set to go off before you do!"
Sarah = Princess Vespa "My hair! He SHOT my HAIR! SON OF A BITCH!"

Can't you just see it????

Good times...

It was freezin for this kid who is climatized to Hawaii's weather as we got to the top of that mountain last night. As we arrived at her apt over looking the mountains with breath taking views that I'd have to wait til morning to see, I got greeted by my adopted dog Kaya! Kaya loves me and I'm stealing her one day! Biggest cuddle bug ever she is....weighing in at 85lbs.

Kaya not only missed me (She came to visit me last weekend in W-S) she apparently missed her mom too! She seemed a little jealous that she wasn't the one getting all the attention but I'll give her one thing....she found a quick solution to that problem as she ever so gracefully sat all 85lbs of herself right on top of mom's head! I wish I'd had my camera phone in hand for that one. Damn it! Gotta get quick on the draw like mcgraw!

One amazing back and neck massage later...I was out like a light. The night was cold...but I managed to stay warm :)

The next morning....

From the bed you can see the view out the window. GORGEOUS! The mountains! The colors! Oh WOW! My adopted dog was anxiously awaiting me to get up out of bed. I made G-Unit promise me she'd buy me the $49999.95 Robot from Hammacher Schlemmer! The day was off to a good start.

We headed back to town for breakfast...more like brunch and totally forgetting about this daylight savings thing. We ate at Gillies in downtown and I'll just forgive them for being a vegetarian restaurant just the same way I forgive her for being vegan. (I did manage to make her cheat with some rice pudding last weekend! :) I get props for that!)

Gillies from the street...lookin all innocent

I had some delicious french toast and blueberries served to me by a cheerleader (this town believes in costumes) while G ate some chips/salsa/tofu concoction. I had to ask, cause I've never been even remotely interested in trying tofu, what on earth it taste like? I mean it looks like cubes of a worn out old stiff sponge, so I just can't imagine what it tastes like. "Nothing, it has no taste" was the reply waiting for me. hmmmm why am I not surprised? By the looks of it I can't imagine that it would. Ok enough slammin on the vegetarians and vegans out there before I start getting protests outside my door.

"You'll say, we've got nothing in common,
No common ground to start from,
And we're falling apart,
You'll say, the world has come between us,
Our lives have come between us,
Still I know you just don't care.
And I said, 'What about 'Breakfast at Gillies'?"

After breakfast I was once again driven out of town, out of sight, out in the middle of no god damn where. But I didn't mind, not at all. And when we arrived at the destination, I found myself a new "thinkin spot". Don't get me wrong, it's not Sandys at night, but I think it will do just fine!

In actuality I was standing in the midst of Falls Ridge Nature Preserve. Absofrigginlutely beautiful!

The falls, CAUTION: NO SWIMMING OR DIVING!

G-Unit! (the camera shy kid actually poses for a picture!)

What a great place to just sit and talk and take in the scenery. Not to mention tell jokes, like "two butch girls walk into a bedroom....stop me if you've heard this one" or scare off all the heterosexuals. Lovin it! But the temperature dropped and to keep me from gettin hypothermia we had to roll out.

When we got back to town it was time for me to hit the road and head back to the kak! This however was the icing on the cake for a wonderful mind easing, stress relieving weekend....

I've told most of you that I've started collecting Boston Red Socks hats. Not because I care one damn thing about baseball or Boston. Nope, nothing at all. In fact I don't watch ANY televised sports with the exception of the Superbowl. I think the only reason I do that is for the commercials and the excuse to get drunk. Tho I will sit in front of a TV which is showing pro football if I'm up at Slim's! Not actually watching of course, instead drinking beer and letting Ray be mean to me! :) Anyway, I got side tracked like usual, back to the Boston hats. The reason....it's a freakin B. And a B is freakin ME! Therefore I am overtaking the hats they are no longer socks hats....they are B hats. That's why I try not to go with traditional boston colors.

I'm standin there, by the truck, wavin to some passer bys and talkin to the G-Unit when a guy walks by wearin a throw back socks hat to which I said, "I need that hat!" G happened to know the guy so walks over to him jokingly, "Hey, can I have your hat?"

HE GAVE IT TO HER! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

HOw fukn awesome is that? Can you tell me? I said I need it....bam...she puts it in my hand. Any wonder why this kid makes me smile? It just gave a perfect ending to the weekend! Most definitely what the doctor ordered in the way of stress relief!

The throw back socks hat preparing to ride shot gun on the way home!

The clever thief, satisfied with the completion of her mission :)

After that I had to head home. But I left smiling from ear to ear.
"I got no regret right now, I'm feelin this"

On the way home Rob shoots me this little picture:

"Don't hate me cause I'm at the beach" -Rob

Ahhh rub it in bud that you are chillin at sunset beach in 80 degree weather and I'm wearin so many damn layers I look like Monica (Friends) in the fat suit! That's ok bud, better suck it up...in 30 + days you'll be freezin your ass off in MN so enjoy it while you can!

The Essence of Life...

2005-10-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

....the guitar cup!

I was introduced to the infamous guitar cup on 01.03.04 at Jack Johnson's Kokua Festival. I was introduced to alot of things that night as a matter of fact. It was the first real event that Sarah Black and I had attended together and it marked the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL friendship, one that distance will never fade. At that festival I also found a girl to love, one that stole my heart like a careful thief, a future roommate and friend who would be the only other person to understand things like paper Christmas, Chocolate Pizza, and turtlecide. As if that wasn't enough....I developed a love for beer that very night.

See, I'd never been a beer drinker, at all. I just didn't have a taste for it. It made me gag. I was a bigger fan of "bitchpops" like Smirnoff Ice and wine coolers, or the foofoo drinks like pina coladas. Can I get a hell yeah for some Boones Farm?? I was a lightweight in every sense of the word. Never much of a "drinker" at all. Until that night...

The group of 1516 Ward Ave, that Sarah and I joined up with to attend this festival were pretty intoxicated before we arrived. NICE. The excuse? "It's Jack Johnson DAY!" Though I (being a cheap drunk) waited until we arrived at the Blaisdale Arena to actually have a drink. Lesbians are so cute when they are tryin to get in your pants :) It started off innocent enough with a screw driver that was no bigger than two shot glasses put together (ALL LIQUOR) which probably cost 18 bucks at the concert.

*side note, that has always amazed me, we go to concerts and get so caught up in the hype that somewhere in there we decide its ok that a 16oz beer costs 8 bucks.

3 or 4 screwdrivers later.....

I was beyond trashed and fit closely in with the group in attendance. They switched it up on me and started buying me beer. At that point, TASTE was no longer a factor. (And it hasn't been ever since...I love me some beer) I guzzled quite a few of those down. But, the guitar cup sat before us....glowing.....if we were going to drink beer, we needed to drink it out of the signature GUITAR CUP! As we waited in a line of 25 or so people to get another beer, we convinced ourselves that we not only needed this cup for drinking beer, but anything should go in the guitar cup. There was a strong fixation on drinking chocolate milk out of the guitar cup. Each of us managed to carry a guitar cup home that night as you might've imagined. Though it's pretty amazing we were able to carry anything home that night, including ourselves. The best part of it all, was the guitar cup, tho pretty to look at, was horrible for drinking. I think we ended up wearing more beer than drinking it. Something about rushing thru the skinny part to the wide opening at the rim...I dunno but it was fun.

Sarah actually sent me the picture last night sometime and I haven't gotten the scoop yet about where she was but that really doesn't matter because.....she had the guitar cup.

What to do?

2005-10-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

my thinkin face....

To Live or Die in Dixie!

2005-10-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

mmmmm DIXIE!

PUT SOME SOUTH IN YOUR MOUTH! now there's some good advice :)

Ahh, the Dixie Grill! A little piece of heaven it is! D sent me this picture last night, I love the fact that she's already managed to spill some popcorn on the table! If only she'd captured a few 32 oz draft beers in the background...the photo would be complete! Now I'm sure she's seated at the one on WARD AVE, which I've been to several times (even got completely shit faced there on Friday the 13th of August 2004, the night of Blink182 concert, and New Years Eve 2004...damn 3 man!) But I must admit I mostly frequented the one in AIEA just a few blocks away from the 260Fizzie.

Back when D was my roommate at the very lovely, very esteemed, very geriatric surrounded Colonnade on the Greens, we pretty much lived at the Dixie Grill. Daily Happy Hour from 3-6. THANK GOD for Pua! Thanks to her, sometimes our happy hour started at 2. And Deanna always said, "Everyone gets happy at happy hour" and believe me...we did! Half Price PuPu's and 3.50 mega mugs....DANGEROUS!

I miss ole Dixie, God Bless those who keep the tradition going!

The 6 am Poet

2005-10-26T06:04:00.000-05:00

Cautiously I step out my door
As if I've never before
The air so crisp, and cold but clean
Leaving upon my skin a sting
That playful sort of pleasure pain
Like that of sun shining thru rain
In the distance I see the sunrise
Thru these burning bloodshot eyes
Wide awake tho mostly closed
I stare at the morning's glow
Another sleepless night indeed
Another warning I failed to heed
A night like many others before
But in this night I found more
Time passed from night to day
In its very normal way
But in the silence as I paced around
This sleepless night left a treasure found
Life's about changes we know
Life's full of signs we're shown
"Everything happens for a reason you see"
But what is its reason for me?
That was the thought clouding my mind
Thru the night's passing of time
The answer lay before me clear
And the realization drew a tear
This isn't the dream I imagined so
It never was and this I know
Now it's time to say goodbye
Without question, concern or why
For just as the cold lay shock upon my face
I know it's time for me to leave this place
They say when you leave, you can't go back
Trust me friend for this is fact
Come home often to visit and play
But never come back home to stay
For once you've made a life for you
Never retreat from the new
So pardon me as I pack my things
Don't be sad, for my heart sings
I'll close the door and walk away
Not too long and I'll be on my way
Living the dream I dared to dream
No matter how foolish it may seem
I shall not be a tree rooted in the ground
I am a spirit onward bound
Will I be back someday?
Of course I will but not to stay
I can now see clearly the plan
And I'm focusing in on who I am
Lover of life, adventure and mystery
Off to write my own destiny

Don't you just love it when late night "think nights" lead to awful poetry? I do. Just as other things in our lives inspire pitiful works of travesty like broken hearts (whether you are the breaker or even the breakee) or those occasions when your heart is overfilling with emotions, just whatever the cause. I've always found that it is fun to note them, jot 'em down on some random notebook or scratch paper, or in this case a blog. Then one day, you stumble over them and remember the reason those words, thoughts, expressions came to you at that moment. I don't know, it seems to give a better understanding overall. Whether you look back and think DEAR GOD! HOW PATHETIC WAS I? Or you relive the experience and all its pain. Or maybe even rejoice in it.

If I'm not making any sense, I don't think I'm supposed to after a full night of no sleep. But for those of you who know me, first off you know I haven't been able to blog in for freakin ever because of my hectic work schedule. AH HA! Fixed that didn't I? Also you are more than likely aware of how difficult this adjustment has been for me. The adjustment of getting out of the military, coming home, learning how to be a civilian again and so on. I've been struggling with it all for the last four months, second guessing my every move. Not sure from one moment to the next what I was actually trying to achieve. For the most part, there for a good minute or two, it seemed like EVERYTHING I tried seemed to fail. It got to the point where I seriously thought if I heard ONE more person say "Everything happens for a reason", then I was just going to punch them in the face! :)

I was tired of that copout bullshit! But, then I realized, they were right. (ahhh the masses are always right! damn it!) The answers laid right in front of me....guess I just had my eyes closed. Maybe I was too scared to see it. Or maybe I just didn't want to. Then BAM you get blindsided and slapped right in the face with the obvious. Sometimes my own stupidity amazes me! :)

It is true tho...once you leave home, you can never go back. I find it humorous now that my time spent in Hawaii, I was longing for, remembering, and missing a place that didn't even exist anymore. I thought my place was here, in the Kakalak. The comfortable, familiar place where I grew up. Just one catch.....this place isn't comfortable or familiar anymore. A few scattered friends who have since moved on with there lives. Most not doing anything different than when I left, just moved on from me in my absence. My family is here. My family is my backbone, my strength, for my nephew's smile and laugh alone is priceless. But it can still be priceless and they can still be my backbone even if I don't share the same map dot with them. All this stuff seems pretty simple and easy to understand i know but when fear, doubt, and confusion clutter your mind....it can feel like rocket science.

My destination has been chosen and soon I will be on my way. The thought alone relieved about 6 layers of anxieties from my skull. I will keep you guys posted on the progress, quite a few things have to be taken care of first. But lets hope I'm able to give myself the birthday gift I so desire.

Indecision at its best...

2005-07-27T00:33:00.000-05:00

Hot toast - or buttered buns?

2005-07-26T10:05:00.000-05:00

Tan lines suck!

The high today here in beautiful North Carolina - cause we like to be on top, is supposed to reach 102 degrees! Of course with the humidity it will feel like the blazes of hell. THIS makes me miss Hawaii. Hot year round but no humidity.

There are certain things about Hawaii though that I could never get used to.

There are 3 major highways on the island of Oahu. Conveniently named H-1, H-2, H-3. Now, Hawaii has deemed these INTERSTATES. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't interstate mean that it travels through different states? And intrastate means it is only within the state? Hmmm remind me again what state Hawaii connects to?

A/C is not a standard feature in Hawaiian homes or businesses. Most places, like my old apartment, are instead equipped with "jealousy" windows. If you aren't sure what those are, well they are the windows that really resemble glass blinds. You crank the little cranker and they open up like blinds. I'm almost certain that the reason they are called jealousy windows is because if you have these windows you are jealous of the people who don't.

The price of a McDonalds value meal in Waikiki Beach is 7 bucks plus tax. But you do get a fresh side of pineapple.

At every McDonalds island wide you may purchase SPAM, eggs and rice off of the breakfast menu.

Aloha = Hello, Goodbye, Love
Mahalo = Thank you

That junk is for the tourists man, nobody walks around saying that crap outside the tourism industry. Locals speak pidgin (hawaiian slang similar to ebonics)

Hey Brah, dey was choke honey girls out at the club last night, but could no buy dem dakine cuz I one broke ass.

It is OK to cut someone off on the highway as long as you give them a shaka sign (hangloose) White people use at your own risk!

There are no polack jokes in Hawaii, they use the same jokes but reference Portuguese instead.

Flip Flops, Sandals = Slippas in Hawaii...NO EXCEPTIONS

Likelike highway is not pronounced like like. Instead it's leekay leekay

Calling to place an order for Papa Johns once I was offered a free bag of rice with my purchase.

....just to name a few

"on the island...we do it island style...from the mountain to the ocean, from the windward to the leeward side"

GOD Save me from the B.A.N.A.N.A.S. !

2005-07-25T00:49:00.000-05:00

While riding in my truck today, I switched on the radio because the only way I drive is with the windows down and the music up, what to my awaiting ears did play? THAT STUPID BANANAS SONG THAT'S SO GAY! You know, I'm really mad at ole Gwen for that one, she sold out worse than Michael Jordan in Space Jam with that stupid song!

I must admit though, this prompted a poll, both within myself and with my esteemed colleagues. Together we have formed a list of the most annoying songs known to mankind.

Most Annoying Songs Ever!

Holla Back Girl (Bananas) - Gwen Stefani
Umm Bop - Hanson (respectfully submitted by Deanna)
The Macarena - Los Del Rio (respectfully submitted by Mr. Rob)
La Vida Loca- Ricky Martin (again, Mr. Rob, he couldn't make up his mind)
Barbie Girl- Aqua (added to the list by S to the B...lack)
All That She Wants (is another Baby) - Ace of Base
Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men
Don't Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
I Kissed A Girl - Jill Sobule
My Baby Daddy - B Rock and the Bizz

Add to the list if you dare....

***warning***songs will get stuck in head no matter how stupid they might be!

Reality TV

2005-07-24T13:32:00.000-05:00

It's no secret, we live in a different world than our parents. Mama's family alone seems to be from another planet, but it's hard to break those family ties and besides that, family matters! Maybe I'm just being silly, but just let me vent my growing pains OK?

I stumbled out of bed this morning with a grimace on my face. It was a cold day in hell so I threw on a cosby sweater and headed to work. My coworkers and I had been working on a project and were split into teams. The A Team and the B team. Our group had left Charles in charge of most of the work. Is it any wonder there were 227 mistakes? Roseanne, our superior, was furious! She reminded us all who's the boss! Luckily I showed a little grace under fire, then she went back to her office. Just the 10 of us left standing there when Charles started spouting off excuses. I interrupted him with, "Gimme a break, we're all mad about you being an idiot!" He looked confused so I told him if he didn't understand he could look it up in Webster.

Finally, the work day was complete. I tuned the radio to WKRP as I drove home to my empty nest located at 21 Jump St. The moment I walked in the door, the phone rang. It was the Jeffersons. They invited me to dinner but I declined because the always have a full house. Instead I fixed a drink and tried to escape into my art. But as I was painting the diff'rent strokes seemed to run together. I put the paintbrush down and grabbed 2 silver spoons and tried to remember how to play Dixie on my knee. When that got boring I began to work on plans for my lie detector/shocker. As I was designing, women from my circle of friends called and invited me to enjoy a night out on the town. I said, "What the hell, I'm not married with children. I'm in!"

I took a quantum leap into life as I strolled out to the club in my snazzy new attire. Dressed kinda punky, Brewster met me at the entrance. We headed straight for the bar where the rest of the group was waiting for us. As I sipped on my drink I glanced out on the dance floor where the golden girls seem to sparkle under the strobes. That's when I saw her...she was like an angel, complete with wings! True, we were perfect strangers but I knew I'd spend the whole night courting her if I had to.

The dream was ruined when her big brawny boyfriend showed up. We all know three's company, that's just the facts of life, so I let the fantasy die. I ordered up another round and decided that any piece was better than none, so I let the unattractive girl beside me get a little too close for comfort.

I raised my glass and announced, "These are our wonder years...let's take them one day at a time.....CHEERS!

Guilty Feet (Remix)

2005-07-24T09:24:00.000-05:00

What do you do when then song has lost it's sparkle? REMIX!

Welcome to Damn Those Guilty Feet Vol. 2!

UPDATE: We (Berthrong and Black) founders of B.S. Busters, are currently designing a device which will deliver electric shocks to the dishonest party. It will be permanently attached to the liar liar pants on fire, and will emit one electric shock to said individual each time that person chooses to tell a lie. (2 electric shocks will be emitted if the attempted lie was really bad, just for being stupid) Below is a rough draft of plans for production:

Is all this really necessary you ask? We'll let you decide.

Case 7: A young man by the name of Needsashock, has desperately tried to prove his love to his girl by playing hide-and-go-seek the phone. He proclaims that he is totally faithful and there is nothing to hide....Except his phone of course! If it's out of sight, then the calls/text messages aren't really transmitting. I guess it's kinda like that whole, if a tree falls in the forest type thing.

Case 8: Mea Culpa, has tried time and time again to tell her fiance that she wants NOTHING to do with her ex. Though apparently she HAD to call said ex the other day to get a phone number for a local tattoo parlor in Bumfuck, NY. I suppose this may be believable if Bumfuck, NY did not have the 411 Service like the rest of the US. I know good ole TMobile offers "411 & More". Sure, it costs like $1.99 each time you use it, but really should you put such a monetary restriction on love? Isn't your fiance worth 2 lousy bucks? Not to mention we have this wonderful thing called INTERNET which we know GOOGLE can find anything!

Case 9: Mr. Schuldig demands that his ever growing collection of admirers are really nothing more than old friends, cousins, grandparents, or whatever he believes will distract his girlfriend. Nothing is going on and he's being totally honest! It's not him, it's these girls, could possibly be true, I mean after all, we can't help who falls for us, but why are you constantly deleting your SENT mail Mr. Schuldig?

Case 10: I'm gonna sum this one up really short and sweet and let each of you derive from it what you will. You do not FORGET 13+ PEOPLE!

OH NO! Someone beat me to it!

"O fie miss, you must not kiss and tell."

2005-07-22T07:42:00.000-05:00

i heart dedicated bloggers!

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

2005-07-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

this is starting to frustrate me...

I KEEP DREAMING ABOUT SNAKES! This time, the bastard was already dead, or so I thought! Tried to hack him up with an axe, much like I tried to kill that centipede that was lurking (word of the week) around the 2604. Only I didn't use an axe for that one, just my shoe a bbqing fork and a knife. But I digress, back to the snakes...

So I'm hackin away at this thing, it's even in pieces but that son of a bitch tried to attack! As I was fighting it off, I spilled gasoline and the next thing I knew....everything was a blaze. Thankfully I woke up right after that. What does it all mean?! Someone, please give me insight on this stupid, horrible, no good, very bad dream!

The only thing I could find myself was this:

Dream symbol: firefire, fires, firing, fired

Interpretation:
A dream about fire could denote 1st and/or 2nd chakra issues
Intense passion
A burning desire
Kundalini energy; sexual, creative, potent energy
Purifying or cleansing something, ridding yourself of unwanted things
Something that has a life of its own, is difficult to control
A symbol of death and rebirth
Somebody on fire may symbolize a need to purge your life of them
Psychic energy
Uncontrolled negative emotion
Withholding information, argument or emotions, holding back, holding your fire
Torment or an intense trial, going through fire and water
Rearing to go on something, being all fired up
Displaying anger or having a fiery temperament
A need to delay something or be patient, hang fire
A spiritual ritual or initiation
Being unable to find a point of clarity and truth, confusion, being too close to the fire
Being fired may suggest fear of dismissed or disregarded, not necessarily within a work environment
An energetic person, a fireball
Feeling attacked from all sides, between two fires
The zodiac signs of Aries, Leo or Sagittarius are all fire signs

Dream symbol: snakesnake, snakes, snaking, snaked

Interpretation:
A snake within a dream often symbolizes transformation, resurrection or rebirthing
A snake bite may suggest self-sabotage
Mysticism, healing, enlightenment
Being highly sensitive to the vibrations of others
A sleeping or coiled snake may represent Kundalini energy or life force
The penis
Sexuality or sexual energy
Temptation
A negative association with a snake may denote being afraid of your own power
Choosing an indirect route or being unfocused
For many westerners, snakes represent fear or death
Something that is snaky may represent betrayal or insidiousness
A devious, sneaky or dangerous person, a snake in the grass

...hmm after reading that, maybe I do have an idea, but tell me yours!

Who is better? UPS or FedEx?

2005-07-21T07:09:00.000-05:00

We win again!

I'm heading off to work, but not before I stop and get hot, FRESH Krispy Kreme donuts and coffee! I wish you didn't hate me for it.

batteries not included

2005-07-20T23:31:00.000-05:00

use for Duct Tape #981....cocoon

I was born to be a teacher....tonight I got to teach my supervisor math. "Work Thought of the Day": 50% + 80% = more than 100%, IMAGINE THAT!

So not to long ago I stumbled upon PostSecrets.com. It all started when this guy started asking people to send them their secrets, the best part, anonymously. Well anyway, some of the post cards are awesome, but some of them are really sad and morbid. Despite that though, check it out, it's worth it. (I'm a big fan of the one that says, "I used to think the rhythm was gonna get me")

That left me with the question of what are my secrets? What would I submit if I wanted to actually take the time to do it? What do I hide from the world? A deep look inside myself brought about the following five secrets....

These Are My Confessions

I still listen to New Kids on the Block every once in a while and even sing along and on occasion choreograph dances to them.
Sometimes I play "air" bongos when no one is watching.
I have an unusual attraction to Jessica Rabbit.
I have actually watched 15 mins of Tony Danza's talk show.
I once cried because the other reindeers wouldn't let Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

What do you have to hide?

...especially those of you "lurking" about?

Same ole Boxes, Different Day

2005-07-19T22:04:00.000-05:00

If the drivers looked like this my job would be perfect!

So I love working for the mighty big brown and all, but I hate idiots! Strike that, reverse it, I hate WORKING for idiots. Which you might already know if you stumbled across it in my earlier blogs. Idiots themselves however happen to be what brings humor into my life. I'll spare you the details of my rants I'll just say this is my "Work Thought of the Day": You can't cram an elephant down someone's throat no matter how hard you push, I mean I do believe this would be an impossible task even for a $2 hooker.

However, the one good thing about the current job I'm doing is that it's pretty much brainless. It takes my brain all of .0000354 seconds to read a zipcode and process the information. Therefore, I'm left with alot of other seconds that my mind is idle. It is these very times which the good ole melon starts to kick random thoughts into over drive. Think, thank, thunk.

Here's what I came up with this evening. For those of us who have ever taken a religion class and/or got friends and/or are a Buddhist, you are aware that Buddha had 4 Noble Truths and the Eight Fold Path.

The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

The Eightfold Path

1. Right Understanding,
5. Right Living,
2. Right Mindedness,
6. Right Effort,
3. Right Speech,
7. Right Attentiveness
4. Right Action,
8. Right Concentration,

Ah HA! Tonight, the Killah B created her own version of both of these. (However COMMA mine have nothing to do with religion or Buddha as you will see.)

Killah B's 4 Basic Truths to RELATIONSHIPS!

Bipolar is not a form of climate, or someone who is partial to cold weather or polar bears. It is a cute little word that actually translates to: the EPITOME of EVIL
READ THE SIGNS! For Christ's sake, don't ignore it like a ped xing sign! If you don't pay attention to these signs flashing "he/she is CRAZY" someone could get killed!
If you think they are lying odds are.....they aren't doing a good job!
I know that little saying goes, "if at first you don't succeed try and try again" BUT if you beat a dead dog all he's gonna do is continue to lay there, bloody, with all sorts of fluid leaking out of every orifice, and letting off a stench that would make the Pepe Le Pew cringe.

Lastly...

Killah B's 8 Step Path to Walk When You Don't Have a Yellow Brick Road To Follow!

Right Foot first, gets you off step, it's always the LEFT you idiot! ARGH! Your OTHER LEFT, your MILITARY LEFT....JESUS! Hold up your hands and find the L if you gotta
Right Handed people are sexy
Right to Know that stepping on cracks doesn't actually break ANYONE's back, no matter how many times you try.
RIGHT of WAY is a legal term meaning priority at a crossing, or in traffic. A vehicle must yield either to pedestrians or to other vehicles that have priority. It is not an absolute right as it must be exercised in a reasonable manner with respect for the due care for one's self and for the care of others involved. See also priority signs, yield sign, stop sign. Furthermore it is something a few more of you idiot drivers out there need to study up on.
Right Job, Right House, Right Family, Right Life only happens in story books.
Right and Wrong. We know the right thing to do but it's so much more fun to do the wrong.
Right Reason is the reason we claim we are doing things but refer back to #6
Right Spelling helps out your friends pals and buddies as they try to understand your text messages! "tgd roseyes wmt"
Right Stuff...baby....love the way you turn me on, you got the right stuff, baby You're the reason why I sing this song...(NKOTB fo LIFE!)
Right NOW...I'm currently wearing a purple tutu, a denim turbine, and a bowtie...oh and I've got that stupid New Kids on the Block song stuck in my head!

Review the afore mentioned things, then apply them to your own life and I guarantee.....

absolutely nothing!

ps. to those of you who constantly read the blog but never comment...we'll call you floaters....do me a favor...leave a piece of you with me so that i may cherish it forever and ever.

ignorance killed the cat. curiosity was framed.

2005-07-18T10:59:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I have a love for witty humor. In fact all of my friends share this same respect for wit, no matter how dry. Perhaps this is why we each have an extensive love for the trendy t-shirt collections of stores like, American Eagle, Urban Outfitters, and Holister. These places carry a magnificent selection of hysterical t-shirts, a vast array of humor "to go". However, there are a few t's me and the swarm would like to see:

Top 10 T-shirts that should exist:

I could look that cute if I tried.
I probably did...sleep with your girlfriend
Slow but SMOOTH
I'm just "Big Boned"
Let's get married in VEGAS!
I'm not now...but give me a few drinks!
Don't hate me because I have unlimited text
I heart Japanese Women
Got Death Wobble? Jeeps ROCK!
I'm "friendly" when I drink

Wanna add to the collection? Leave you submissions!

I'm just two people short of a threesome!

2005-07-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

Where has the laughter gone?

Today/tonight I have managed to run the battery down on my cell phone at least twice. Talkin to all those crazy cats back in the 808 state! One thing alot of us agreed on, we haven't laughed as hard as we used to when the full gang was together. Some of us have already traveled to separate corners of the world and some of us will be on our way soon. I miss the laughter, I miss the FUN. I miss $3.50 super huge mugs at Dixie Grill during happy hour. I miss the guy in the girls bathroom at Dixie Grill. I miss it all. So this is for my friends, pals and buddies for life, let us remember and laugh.

Jack Johnson Kokua Festival 2004 and 2005
Guitar Cups, good for drinking chocolate milk out of!
Hiking up Ward Ave stone cold drunk eating egg rolls and stopping every two feet to apply soy sauce.
Ward Ave.
gnocchi!!!!!!!
mmm Jack in the Box
Coldstone
Late nights at Sandy's with beer and stolen chips!
Trash Can Confessionals
TOO MANY heinekens!
Derussy Parking Lot
Dollah Ballah at RED LION!
Graffiti in the bathroom at the Red Lion
Getting thrown out of the Red Lion
Bribing the bouncer 3 months later to get back in to the Red Lion
507 WHAT?
D who is that guy in the gold chain?
"Showin you my crotch"
Rob and Benny up in the Black Garter "Do they know?"
I can make you a Celebrity over night!
2 six Zero fizzie
La who? La WHAT? LaDONT!
Lonewolf "the old adamenko is dead"
Pop the popcorn, apply the buttery seasoning, grab the remote, tune tv to ch. 5 the home team at 11pm, press record on the vcr, and walllllah! Monday Night SPECTACULAR!
Pajamma Jammie Jams
Welcome to our paper christmas!
Smores anyone?
"We gotta work the twizzle"
What's your type? 1,2, c? D?
JAGER!!!!!
"I'll take that!" (shoves b's cell phone in pants)
It's 6am D...let's drink cider!
We cheat at pictionary
"Dear God, thank you for these sandwiches.....and new friendships"
Let's go to goodwill!
I want a shirt that says Kalihi ALLSTAR
Hear that gagging sound? Those girls in 2604 must be doing their dishes again
Lets do a shot!
What do their shirts say?
Magooooooooos!
Broke Dick Monday's
Don't let B take anyone to the beach!
I think they call it jizz
Titties McGee
last goonies weekend!
damn that predictive text!
invasion of the back fat rolls
Drivin home dawg? PAPER, ROCK, SCISSORS
Jug of Carlo + D = Gum + Hair
Jug of Carlo + LaDONT = T.R.O.U.B.L.E.
Chinatown Chinese New Year
Nun's Having Fun
CHEESE DOGS
Pet Geckos on the Lanai
LaQuita goes to college
B.E.D.
Loud noise complaints
ice ice baby....
Nap D fo LIFE!
I am the thumbmaster
I wonder when Deanna's Birthday is?
"why don't you drink til my thumb goes down"
D: "That couple at the end of the bar is either saying, those girls are lesbians OR those girls have really good posture!"
Sarah: "...that's probably why they shot you in the eye" (to Ruben in ref. to his dislike of Tupac)
Rob: "I'll sleep with a man to prove I'm straight!" (defending his heterosexuality)
B: "So I gave him a hand job, so!" (details kept confidential)

Oh wow, this doesn't even scratch the surface. But I hope it's enough to bring back the laughter for a minute!

I'll close on this, Sarah and B, great philosophers are we.

B: "Love is a four letter word dawg..."

S: "Yeah man, I know.....think I'm gonna stop cursing."

2005-07-18T01:12:00.000-05:00

Lovin it at LuLu's!

2005-07-18T01:10:00.000-05:00

Fo sheazin we cheesin!

I've known some Simpson's fans before but GOSH!

2005-07-17T21:16:00.000-05:00

slightly obsessive

2005-07-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

For you Mr. Rob...better enjoy your last 136 days of that Hawaii weather...

House Arrest

2005-07-15T15:15:00.000-05:00

So I was going to call into work today, but I figured I wouldn't because it's already ferris bueller's day off, so instead i drank a glass of beetlejuice and ate some mystic pizza, got in my truck and headed for the freeway, my vision blurred and everything appeared to be in the color purple, as i approached a men at work zone i swerved around the contruction and just as i got past the cone,heads turned because i looked like a jerk. I figured I shouldn't say anything and realized this was going to be one crazy summer and i'd be better off dead than to star a fight caused by road rage, just remember i know karate, kid! Not to mention I'm armed and dangerous! Good thing I got back up if I need it! Big T, Sarah Black and D..now there's three amigos that will always stand by me. They really are in a league of their own. Think I'll call him if i head to washington, but i'm not sure if i'll go cause i'm always sleepless in seattle I mean, it's no city of angels. I looked down at my seat and wondered who's harry crumb is this anyway? i tossed it in the trash and called roxanne to meet me for breakfast at tiffany's. she declined because she's one of those mean girls but i was saved by finding my little innerspace a happy place I go when I'm having a bad day. Maybe one day i'll be one of those ladykillers that finds a pretty woman who wants to live with me in the burbs. Until then, I think i'll just steel magnolias for the secretary, and maybe she'll let me kiss the girls. There you have it, my life, just like a book of shadows, doesn't it remind you of a scary movie?

if you need me...i'll be out killing gnomes with sporks!

And the stars say....

2005-07-14T13:00:00.000-05:00

Now that it's all out in the open, don't you feel better? Maybe
even physically lighter? Good. Don't let anything ruin it -- especially not the
private agenda of someone who thinks they know more than they really do.
Hahahah the stars are funny!
So I talked to Rob yesterday, he was actually the one who informed me how someone ever so cleverly posted a certain someone's name on the inside wall of a porta potty as someone that you should do the horizontal dance with. Go figure right?
After finding out just how people detail jeeps at the local detailing shop off Kam Hwy where their method is to "rock it to the wheels fall off like snoop said" according to Rob, we talked about our blogging, and other note worthy blogs we've stumbled on to. He of course secretly reads Crazy is as Crazy DOES! And he's aware that he is probably the only male type that reads it! Who knows tho, maybe dug E fresh stumbles on to it from time to time. :)
But I noted a few other blogs that I had been reading lately and their content when Rob stated, "people just be pouring their hearts out on their blogs...saying 'he did me so wrong!'...it's just crazy!"
I mentioned I should start a blog soley dedicated to my experience in the 4 letter word that is L O V E! He assured me that if I did NBC and Comedy Central would be calling soon! Thanks for the support buddy!
Anyway, I thought it was funny that my daily horoscope said what it did. How more accurate could it be? For those who know I'm sure you agree.

The writing on the wall...

2005-07-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

...to be exact, the writing on the porta potty out at the small arms range of AREA-X, Schofield Barracks! It informs the user of a list of "Girls 2 Fuck". Did you make the list? Bet I know who did!

I heart TOYS R US!

That store renders me hours of entertainment. side note: i want...no....i NEED a pogo stick!

Don't you just love it when people can't follow your instuctions so you have to draw them a picture?!!?!

I bought a movie today....one of my favorites, 10 bonus points to anyone who can name it based on the following quote: "Hey, Hoops, you ever notice how people die in alphabetical order? "

Be sure to stay updated on the sitcom!

.....how much are you worth?

ODE TO MY MOM!

2005-07-13T02:18:00.000-05:00

I finally decided to share my mama stories with the world! Check it out...

Southern Dys.func.tion

2005-07-12T22:05:00.000-05:00

I found my way into tha bid-ness!

2005-07-12T22:03:00.000-05:00

my nizzle!

2005-07-12T22:02:00.000-05:00

Doctor's orders...

2005-07-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

The eagle has landed!

2005-07-08T14:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, so maybe not the eagle...but my truck finally arrived at the Charleston, SC VPC!! A few days early even, if you can believe that! Therefore, I shall pick up my Night Rider first thing Monday morning! SWEET! This means I'm no longer a prisoner here at the lovely Triple Deuce. Thank god! Can't wait to get my own little space in the twenty-seven 101. I mean, not that I don't find it a bit comical here with Squirelly Shirley and the squirellettes...but umm..I need my own address now please and thanks! For the moment tho, I'm off to work at big Brown.

and many other "holes" too..

There is hope for us all...

2005-07-08T13:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday it was brought to my attention that Rachel Wiggins...is mawwied. (That's married for those of you who can't speak wiggabonics) I'm excited for her. I even asked Wob (Rob) to buy her a Gatowade (Gatorade) and give it to her with my bwessings. :)

This should give us all a shimmer of hope that we too will find our soul mate one day. Wiggins, who brings new meaning to the phrase...anger management, and who never should have been trusted with a weapon larger than a super soaker 250, has found love! Isn't that amazing, this burping, farting, disgusting pig of a girl managed to find someone that would marry her! I mean, after the failed romance with Wussel the love Muscle...who would have ever imagined?

So Wiggins I say, CONGWATS! From your ole pal Butwong!

The Reflex Tester. One Powerful Drug! TEST yourself!
. . .its like crack

"The Suck Zone" images of yesterday's tornado that hit the triad!

2005-07-08T12:55:00.000-05:00

It's a twister! It's a twister!

2005-07-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

2005-07-08T12:45:00.000-05:00

Goff Rd. In beautiful King, NC being over taken by red clay soup.

3 Police Cars + hearse + people saluting = ?

2005-07-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

I don't get it! What could it possibly mean?

We've all heard my mama stories...whether it be the steering wheel, the icy hot, the salsa, the cat in heat, etc etc. Well I just figured I'd throw in this one for your enjoyment.

My mother was caught in the storm yesterday. Lightning striking near the car she was driving and of course scaring her so badly that she was just in a panic to get home! Worried that she wouldn't make it home fast enough she was angry that traffic was traveling so slow. She looks ahead and notices 3 police cars, behind it a hearse, "Well I wonder what's going on?" she says to herself.

Did that stop my mother? Nope! She continued to follow behind them. Well what about when she notices people on the side of the street saluting her along with the other cars before her? Did that raise an eyebrow for good ole mom? hmmm Nope, she kept right on driving. Then finally she noticed that other vehicles were pulling off the road to let the cars pass.

A light bulb forms over Shirley's head. ::BLINK::

"Oh my word! I'm in a funeral line!"

So upon her discovery, did she stop get out of the funeral traffic? hmmm the answer would be no once again. She just continued on her merry way hoping that no one would notice she is an idiot.

Gotta love that mother of mine.

Stocking cap?!?!!!?

2005-07-08T01:02:00.000-05:00

Is there any wonder why I love him?

Let's blame it on the Mint Mocha Frappuccino!

2005-07-08T00:59:00.000-05:00

...my latest addiction! (oh GEEZ! The damn dots have invaded again!)

As I was, it's 1:59 am and I know this because of my other latest addiction: humanclock.com. Every time I take a peak at it, I imagine submissions I'd like to make. I also want to encourage Rob to go ahead with the idea of shaving a time into his chest hair for a submission. Yessssssssssssss!

While I'm wide awake thanks to starbucks and their legal addictive substances I wanted to share with you just a few little things that tend to, um, how you say? Annoy me. :) I'll just briefly note things I recognized today, that annoyed me. Certainly on a grander scale there would be many more. But lets just review the day, shall we?

Being treated like I'm 10 instead of my actual age of 25, we can thank mom and pops for this one! So thank you Mrs. B and "Deddy" Why do parents do that? Why? Why do they refuse to realize that their children are no longer in actuality, CHILDREN?
When I put something somewhere, I do so with the intention that the next time I go to get it, I will know where it is. Today, this is directed at car keys.
Land-line phones. I have not had anything other than a cell phone for 4 years now and I'm beginning to understand why that is a beautiful thing. Being in a house that seems to have a phone in almost every room means that when someone calls, the tintinnabulation that occurs could wake the dead! SO LOUD! And when people seem to call every 5 minutes!!?!? This can get pretty obnoxious.
As if the ringing wasn't bad enough, when people call 3 times in less than 30 minutes with little or no point to the phone call.
Tornados
People who don't believe you when you tell them a tornado has touched down and you have to call them back. AHEM...Erin, Aunt Doris.
Bipolar tendancies. Nothing is more frustrating than when you are having a conversation with someone, it's cordial, then all of a sudden they spark major attitude for no apparent reason. The winds changed direction maybe?
Smashing a finger!
Samshing the same finger twice!
When the cell phone dies in mid text message.
Idiots
Ridiculously deep southern accents
North Carolina Humidity
People who sing songs and totally screw up the lyrics. (with one exception to this rule, Sarah Black, "ridn in my car, racin to her house.....these are my confessions")
Poopy Diapers (Ground Hog Day-Bill Murray "Does he have to use the word poopy?")

After all this excitement today, tornados and all, "Julia I gotta let you go...we got cows!"

PS I was aimlessly wandering in random blogs tonight, read this, and I don't know, for some reason it hit a nerve. 2004, what a year. :(

"It's hard when you care for someone, will always care for someone, and you have to move on. Our relationship was not good, but I can still remember exactly what his eyes look like with tears in them. It hurts." - Contagious

dot dot dot

2005-07-07T01:52:00.000-05:00

Today, I took a deep look into the dots. If you don't know what I'm referring to then it is clear you've never been much of a text message/IM/email (to friends that is, not business or professional email) type of person. I've noticed that all my friends use the dots. In fact, I'm sure that any of my friends who stumble upon this would instictively know that of course I mean trailing a sentence, word, or phrase like so . . .
I remember clearly when I started using the dots. It was when I first discovered AIM. Yes that's right, AIM. Never been one for ICQ, Yahoo or MSN messenger. It has always and shall forever be AOL instant messenger! Woooohooooo! Anyway, I started using the dots when I first started communicating using instant messages. Well, to be honest, not at first. At first I used to type novels before ever clicking the send button. Not long after I realized that for it to feel like a true conversation it was better to send bits and pieces at a time, as to not bore the individual who you are talking to. I suppose this shows that I myself am an impatient person. :) The dots, then took on the meaning that something was to follow. Understandable isn't it? Dots also seem to take the place of commas for some reason as well as one single period. I'm not sure why that is. But it's pure habit now. I've noticed that the dots followed me into emails. Almost to the point that my emails seem to be more like a conversation now, other than a letter like it's first real intention. It goes without saying that since I send/receive 4000-6000 text messages a month (THANK YOU TMOBILE FOR THE ORIGINAL UNLIMITED TEXTING OPTION!) the button that is used for a period, is slightly bruised and beaten! hehehe
Dots also started rearing their ugly little heads at the beginning for sentences, words, and phrases. This of course used to reference a sigh or hesitation before relaying the thought. I've also taken note that when I truly want to emphasize something I'll space the dots out. . .
That alone seems to make a bolder statement than...
Don't you agree? I must say, another reason I use the dots is this, a period, as defined by mister Webster, means conclusion. So, as I stated before I use the dots to let someone know there is more to follow. If it is at the end of a conversation, it is sort of like saying, tune in for the next episode. A cliff hanger if you will. Most importantly, that things ARE NOT final, complete, or concluded.

. . . .why do you use your dots?

Happy 4th!

2005-07-04T15:22:00.000-05:00

The 4th of July is the day we celebrate our independence. I can't help but think about how we got that independence, and about those who fight for that independence each day! Knowing how little some people respect those who serve our country, I wanna take a minute to say thanks to those I left behind, the members of the "Dirty 9th" Military Police Detachment, Fort Shafter HI!

Just because I'm thinking of you guys...and cause I not only miss you all but I also miss being a Military Police Soldier (shhhh don't tell anyone) I stumbled across what I have written below and thought I'd share it. P.S. I stole this so to read these and other great Murphy's Laws please visit: www.murphys-laws.com

Had to post these tho! Some of them are SOOOOO TRUE!

Murphy's military police laws

Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets. (um second chance vests don't really work either)
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
When in doubt, empty your shotgun. (or your pepper spray)
Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you. (or anyone who smells worse than you....stanley)
Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks. (or you're a patrol sup that stumbled into Deal's room)
Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid. (or sometimes they are doing something really stupid right along with you! 39th!)
The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call. (hmmm sorry, I can't find the loose dog)
The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed. (of course they blame it on Mr. Morris!)
If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers. (SRT)
The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy ways are always blocked.
The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing. (AMEN!)
When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic. (Shafter...2-4...request code 3 for the small child who fell off the play ground and is bleeding to death? 2-4...Shafter, you are not authorized code and be advised you may not travel any faster than 25 mph!)
It only becomes a riot right after you show up. (hahahaha if you don't believe that one, you can see for yourself by watching this video clip!
If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident. (just ask me about the traffic truck and a $750 bumper!)
No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets. (So what about a unit that isn't street wise or inspection ready?? what's the excuse then? 39th!)
The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station. (dog cage anyone? paperwork? anything that was supposed to be in the patrol kit?)
Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately. (or if you don't turn them on at all...wiggins)
Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light. (flashlight? we carried those?)
Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you. (wanna catch the dog? russell did!)
The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter. (or because you were doing a distro run to the shoppette)
The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do. (refer back that that video clip)
The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb. (not many dead bodies at good ole fort shafter...but what about dead cats in trash cans?)
Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows. (always at ETD!)
Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. (not to mention we never seem to fire our own weapons at the range..god only knows if it works!)
Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets. (unless healy's working)
You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off. (you get called for everything on your day off)
Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up. (take a nap and it's more than likely the big WEAVE that's DO that day!)
Empty guns - aren't.
Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away. (only because he's chillin at the cops office with his pistol belt, top, and vest sitting in another chair as he plays on the computer!)
The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley. (whoa....who's sprinting?)
Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies. (controlled burn?)
Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private. (WIGGINS!)
Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap. (Rim Access :) )

Do you remember way back when....

2005-06-24T20:58:00.000-05:00

We first got introduced to the internet?? Back when email FWDS were the best thing you'd ever seen. How many of you got touched when they received that "National Friendship Week" forward from someone on your buddylist? It just melted your little heart didn't it?? Or hows about the notices that poor little Sally, Johnny, Joe, or whatever the name of the kid was for that week, who was in the hospital and their last request was to receive letters and post cards or whatever!?? Do you remember?? OF COURSE YOU DO! Don't act innocent! Don't act like you didn't fall right into the trap of chain email! We all did it long ago.

Now, we seem to mumble profanities when we open our inboxes to find those very same FWDs still circulating the net. And you wonder why if the person who sent it to you was indeed a friend, would they continue you waste your time with such nonsense? Who out there still gets suckered into reading them? AH HA! Well I myself make good use of the delete button most of the time, yet still, sometimes I'll get suckered in myself.

Today I found one that I decided I'd be silly enough to infact share with everyone, however instead of forwarding it along...I figured I'd just post it here so that if you wanna read it. It's up to you.

*side note* How many people have received the horrible text forwards???? If not, don't worry, your time is coming! When you are sitting in the theater watching a movie, it will strike, a forwarded text from 5 other numbers that asks you if know what CHRIST did for you. Just ask our buddy Rob!

1.Have you ever fallen off your bed? Well...not my own bed, but I fell off my ex's raised bed in her dorm room once...yeah...that was fun.
2.Do you sleep on the floor? Ummm NO, unless we're camping out in the livingroom to watch movies :)
3.Have you ever gone camping? Twice, it's called FTX (field training excercise) in basic training..wasn't much fun tho
4.Do you like to play hopscotch? Um nooo. Tell me when a 25 year old has time to play such a thing.
5.What do you do when it rains? "I'm only happy when it rains!" Sleep or have sex :)
6.Are you on a computer, laptop, etc.? THat's just a little TOO personal don't you think??? hahha
7.Where are you now? Just a figment of your imagination...
8.How many surveys have you done today? scroll up and see if you can answer that question yourself
9.Whats the last movie you've seen? Back to the Future, I don't get out much
10.Do you go to summer school? nope but I got summer teeth....(JOKES! don't want you cats thinkin I'm toothless!)
11.Do you go to camp? Yep, Camp Crystal Lake (chi chi chi chi HA HA HA HA)
12.Have you ever played rugby? No
13.Have you ever played basketball when it was storming? Uh huh
14.Are you a cheerleader? LEAVE THE VIDEO TAPE OUT OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO TOLD YOU?? WHO??
15.What's your favorite college? One that gives me a degree
16.What elementary school did you go to?The one where Ms. Johnson taught PE
17.Middle School? No middle school, just intermediate then jr. high...where Ms. Johnson taught PE
18.High School? Think Ms. Johnson liked me...she followed me the whole way!
19.College? A few
20.Out of all of them, which mascot was your favorite? We always beat up the mascots..
21.Do you wear spirit wear?Do I wanna know what spirit wear is?
22.Do you sprint when you run? Only run when chased..by dogs, police, people with guns, or Drill SGTs.
23.What are you listening to now?The ever soothing hummmm of...nevermind, you don't need to know!
24.What color is your cursor? WHY DOES COLOR ALWAYS MATTER TO YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!
25.Have you ever been to a wedding?Yep, my cousins got married...to each other
26.Have you ever worked at a fast food restaurant? You can't prove anything!
27.How many times have you moved? Enough to know I never wanna do it again!
28.Do you take medicine? I'm getting help for that...I'm in a program and it's got like these 12 steps or something.
29.Where have you been out of your country? Very often Hawaii felt like another country...but Sept of 2006 I'm Italy bound!
30.Whats the most exotic place you've been to? Your mom's bedroom
31.Are your nails painted? I got a little bit of clear polish still left from the lovely cat women of "Trina's Beauty Supply" where they do spa pedicures that me, D, Sarah, Ladont, and a few others seem to enjoy.
32.Do you have makeup on?Yep, I look like the Joker from Batman
33.Do you wear glasses? only when I get type C in my eye
34.Do you know anyone that is blind?Yes, my friend Rob is blind in one eye!
35.Do you have friends that are conceited?Let's see...me, Rob, Sarah, ummm Shaneazy, umm Ladont, ummm my sister...actually it's "just confidence misconstrued as something evil" :)
36.Have you ever planted a tree? No but I've killed a few
37.What's your favorite color?BLUE!!!!!!
38.Do you think you are popular?Sure..with who? with what?
39.Do you text people? evil grin...according to my tmobile bill...i send/receive 4000-6000 a month THANK YOU UNLIMITED TEXTING!
40.Do you have a cell phone?This is the year 2005 right?
41.Have you ever tried counting to a million? That's why we have technology...so I don't have to!
42.Do you read during the summer?YES and in the fall, the winter, and the spring! woohoo! I CAN READ!
43.What is one thing that is turned on all the time? my girlfriend....JOKES! ummm my cell phone, can't leave home without it!
44.Do you have asthma? I'm out of the army now...i can answer honestly...YES!
45.Did you ever want braces?This thing musta been designed for 13 year olds....I HAD braces many many many years ago
46.Have you ever caught a firefly? yes, it burnt my hand
47.Did you ever cut your own hair? Often...but the last hair cut was given to me by Shanelle...explains the crooked side burns :)
48.Have you been to a palace? I lived in a palace...it was called THE Two6ZeRoFizzie
49.Do you want to be a queen/king? no, but I've dated a few DRAMA queens :)
50.What are you wearing? nothing
51. have u ever roasted marshmallows?Had a pretty good time with smores one night...even got some pictures to prove it.
52.Have you made a snowman before? snowmen are boring...I make snowpigs!
53.Is it snowing? let's see...it's JUNE...in hot and humid NC....NOPE no snow!
54.Do you have a secret handshake with someone?That is none of your business! That is between me and the SWARM!
55.Have you ever made paper? No but I've eaten lots of it!

Ahh see wasn't that fun?????? hahahhaha Feel free to copy it and answer your own in the comments section!

Meanwhile...check this out!

You too can be an artist!

I LOVE the word IDIOT!

don't think the word idiot is used enough actually....I'm also a big fan of gutterslut apparently :)

Snake bite!

2005-06-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

Since I've been back on the east coast I've been struggling with adjusting to the time difference. Here it is almost 3 weeks later and I still don't have a good grasp on it. That being said, last night I decided to take some tylenol pm to help me sleep through the night. It's so frustrating being up all night and so exhausted during the day. The thing is I hate taking tylenol pm because it ALWAYS gives me nightmares. I wonder why that is...

Last night was no exception to the rule. The nightmare was about a snake. I huge snake like 50 feet in length and it was sort of pale yellowish in color. It struck out and bit me on the thigh! I tried to grab it by the back of its head/neck and get it off but when I finally got it loose, it struck again. By the time it was all said and done I was bitten 3 times, 3 different spots on the leg. Ankle, knee, and thigh.

Afterward I found myself struggling to go find help. It was me and good ole Jola on top of some mountain, trying to make our way down to go to the hospital. But I must have woken up after that. Can't remember anymore.

I feel as though the snake bites are symbolic. With that being said I consulted the experts. HHAHAHAH ok not really, just did a quick search on the internet. What I found is below:

In writing about Snake Symbolism, Gillian Holloway, Ph.D. wrote, "People who are dying or who have lost a loved one often dream of snakes, at or near the time of death. For whatever reason, these dreams seem involved with the psychic awareness of the transition from this life to the next...." Gillian Holloway, Ph.D. identifies being bitten by a snake as meaning different things. She says, "In many dreams a single snake will come to bite you, and you may in fact be bitten after a brief struggle. To your amazement though, you will not die, and may find that the situation is not as bad as you thought." According to Holloway you have this kind of dream if you are struggling with some problem, relationship or challenge.

Snakes can have many meanings according to each dreamer, but they frequently tend to symbolise facing something painful in our lives ... and then healing as a result.

Anyone else care to comment? Cause I'm not liking either answer!

REPULSIVE yet INTRIGUING all at once!

2005-06-23T02:35:00.000-05:00

First off, I feel the need to scream this for all to hear.....just as the daughter proclaimed in the movie First Wives Club, "I'M A LESBIAN....A BIG ONE!"

Whew...do you know how nice it feels to say that? FANFREAKINTASTIC!

Anyway, the story is that I came out completely by age 20. Then at the lovely age of 22, I ever so cleverly decided to join the ARMY. Recruiters should actually be used car salesman! They're good! So naturally thanks to that absurd policy of "don't ask, don't tell", I had to return to the closet so to speak. However, lets be honest with ourselves, I don't think my sexual orientation was a big mystery to most. Sarah Black being an exception to this rule of course, I'll never forget the day I told her in confidence. It was 03 Jan 04, Jack Johnson Kokua Festival 2004. I walked into her room, we were roommates in the barracks and said, "Hey dawg, you wanna go to see Jack Johnson with me today, I'm supposed to be meeting some people and then we're rollin out. Oh hey dawg, just so you know, which I'm sure you already did, but I'm gay." I'll never forget how puzzled and shocked she looked. She never ceases to amaze me. :)

Even still, knowing that everyone knows you are a homosexual just doesn't seem to ease the aggravation that goes along with not ever being able to say it! So now....I feel alot better 'cause I can!

Thanks to that wonderful policy I had to semi refrain from bridging some topics in my nervous chatter. Now that it's no longer an issue, let the fun begin!

As the title of today's post suggests...you might find yourself a little torn about the devices I'm going to introduce you to. I'll never forget the first time I told Rob that such a contraption existed, as we were making our way back from Wainae one dark sexless evening (sexless cause I paid 100 bucks on a hotel room to get some from this chick who wanted to make all my fantasies come true and lets just say that didn't happen..but that's a whole nother story in itself). Anyway, as we were riding he and I found ourselves talking about sex toys. Why you ask? I have no idea. All I do remember is when I told him I had seen this one particular sex toy, he was SO DISTURBED that he rolled down the window of my truck and threw his pen out! He just didn't know what to do, so he threw the pen. After tossing his writing utensils, a phone call to Dusty enevitably followed. Ok Ok, enough beating around the bush eh? How bad could it be?

The Periscope Vibe. (as pictured below)

The Periscope Vibe is a vibrator with a lighted tip and external viewing area for the sole purpose of seeing what is going on inside the body while the vibrator is working its magic. WHAT????!??!

Now the first immediate reaction I get is that's disgusting! Well it is sorta. Who really wants to see what's going on up in there while you're taking care of business? On the other hand, it's almost like a science fair project you used to do back in middle school. Well, of course not EXACTLY the subject matter for middle school but you get my point right? So I guess you could say that even though this is a tad bit revolting, I'm curious to investigate it a little bit. Not saying that I'll actually act on this impulse, but just saying that it leaves me feeling repulsed and intrigued at the same time.

The other aparatus that none of us can quite grasp would be...

The Accomodator. (also pictured below)

Now I'm not going to delve into what the Accomodator's function is. IF you are a smart little cookie, you'll figure it out the minute you see the picture. IF you can't figure out what its function is, don't look to me for an explanation because you don't need to know! I must admit that the concept behind the idea makes perfect sense to me. What I can't figure out is, how on earth could you continue to let whoever's wearing it continue to do the deed once you saw that individual wearing it??? HOW COULD YOU LOOK AT THEM WITH A STRAIGHT FACE???? It's disturbing! Who invents this stuff?

Kinky or Crazy?

2005-06-23T02:07:00.000-05:00

from the moive Ten Things I Hate About You: "I have a dick on my face don't I?"

Shouldn't you have a license for that??!?!??!

2005-06-23T02:05:00.000-05:00

Just call me Dr. B!

Our Tangled Web

2005-06-22T08:33:00.000-05:00

Ok my little crazy 808 state cats...here's the deal. We're all on different schedules and so forth and some of us have moved away :( sad but true. So the question is, what do we do now that we can't all meet up at the Dixie Grill for Happy Hour? AH HA! I got it. Thanks to Navy Chick, known to some others as Joslyn, who suggested we have our own little meeting space, we've created a blog for all of our "family" and those who love us to meet and share our latest news. You can find it in Our Tangled Web. We all know that's an appropriate place for most of us because we seem to find ourselves all kinds of tangled up! So if you want to join the fun shoot me an email zipm@aol.com for the username and password. Don't question me....just do it!

meanwhile, play around on these spots:

And I thought Deanna was bad about always counting down til her b-day!?!?!?!
Well it seems that someone out there was thinking about me, at least my birthday month anyway. NOVEMBER

To further expand on an obession with time. This is just odd. CLOCK

So I thought that when I heard about the threesome which took place in the "dirty 9th" consisting of a guy, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's mom, that the world has gone mad and people are just gross and disgusting inviduals. . .then I find websites like so. A NEW WAY TO LOOK AT FIDO!

After that....we just need to put an end to this madness! THE END!

2005-06-22T07:36:00.000-05:00

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS INDIVIDUAL?

We interupt this program to bring you an important announcement!

2005-06-22T07:25:00.000-05:00

****NEWS FLASH***** earlier this evening, the young woman you see pictured before you was reported missing from the DR. D.M.Berthrong home for the criminally insane. She was last seen wearing casual attire consisting of t-shirt, bandana, and rex kwondo pants, which remarkably destroyed all evidence of BFR. BEWARE! She's considered armed and dangerous particularly when exposed to alcoholic beverages! Has slight drooling / mucus problem. She has already claimed the life of two turtles, one (whose identity is still being investigated) was abused, left for dead and hurled from a 6 story high lanai, she abandoned the other, a very educated turtle (Laquincia) that was recently enrolled in Chaminade University of Honolulu, and one rough tough beta fish, Bluestarfighterthunderspeed, may he rest in peace. ALSO....THIS JUST IN....apparently the escapee, who goes by the alias d double L, was discovered fleeing the scene of a local Waikiki establishment after making off with over $100+ worth of food and alcohol. She may be working alone or with accomplices. If you know the whereabouts of this individual, please contact the local authorities, FBI, CIA, IRS, NAACP, Lone Wolf Society, and the Black Panthers immediately!

STILL wearing my yanks cap even after I bought him one!

2005-06-13T01:43:00.000-05:00

doesn't he make your heart melt??

the hunt for red october?

2005-06-12T01:11:00.000-05:00

.....nope, just the green mini mag light! :) Don't hate!

So here I am, sitting in the double 3 SIX. That's 336 for those of you who might have some type of learning disability. It's nothing satanic that's for sure. Anyhow, it means I'm back in beautiful North Carolina. That's right, hung up the bdu's and the soldier boots, back to being a sick lame and lazy civilian once again. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sad part though has been bidding farewell to the members of the "Dirty 9th" that I miss already!

2005-06-10T07:41:00.000-05:00

B and mini me!

Guess who's back???????

2005-06-09T08:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a while....

2005-06-09T08:24:00.000-05:00

feelin' loved...

the time has come

2005-06-08T08:19:00.000-05:00

I'm finding that leaving this rock today is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm saying good bye to alot of people who mean so much to me in my life. The killah b is usually full of comedy but today, I am truly sad.

"and i don't even make a sound 'cause, it's gonna sting me to leave this town"

breakdown-jack johnson

What better way to spend one of my last few days on island...

2005-06-05T08:20:00.000-05:00

"Turtle Cove" near Keana Point, North Shore

2005-06-05T08:14:00.000-05:00

The sun shines down on my heart...

2005-06-05T08:13:00.000-05:00

As the sun goes down....

2005-06-05T08:12:00.000-05:00

awwwwwwwww

2005-06-05T08:05:00.000-05:00

The sun sets....

So long Army...I am a civilian once again!

2005-06-05T01:53:00.000-05:00

my work here is finished...

Damn those guilty feet!

2005-05-23T19:36:00.000-05:00

Myself and my esteemed colleague Sarah Black, have decided to start our own business. We call it BS Busters. Why you ask? Simply because our sole purpose will be to either help those in need with figuring out whether or not they have been lied to AS WELL AS, help those poor saps who try to lie but really do a horrible job, come up with a slightly more believable one.

For example lets take a look at the first case. (names have been changed to protect the identity of those who insist on living life dishonestly) Suppose there is a girl named Shanethel. And lets say that Shanethel has a girlfriend whom she's claimed she loves with all her heart. Ooops, it must have slipped her mind for a moment, and oops she mighta slept with their ex (yes, that's right, as in they both share the same ex...yes I know, jerry Springer from the get go). Now certainly, honesty is the best policy, but if Shanethel had decided that she must in fact tell a lie, perhaps, "I slept with HER, to prove to HER, that I love YOU" was probably the stupidest thing anyone has ever said on the face of the earth.

Case 2: A strapping and handsome young lad named, Coldheartedsnake, (he's Indian, feather not dot) who has been dating his love for over a year, and has already been deemed untrustworthy thanks to a sketchy little past. Pictures and lies. Should know that when his girlfriend found pictures of an Australian Bartender in his luggage that a lie like, "oh those are just pictures of a girl my friend Rupaul was dating" will only work if you first inform Rupaul that he was dating said girl.

Case 3: HOLY CAPS! YEAH JUST SO WE HAVE IT ESTABLISHED THAT WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO BACK UP A LIE...TYPING IN ALL CAPS WITH LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't make your lie more believable.

Case 4: When caught in the act by your significant other, just as our dear friend Rochelle, as she was riding shot gun in the an automobile she probably shouldn't have been riding in, BLAMING it on her dear sweet loves failing eyesight AND/OR an alleged intake of pain killers will only make you look like an idiot.

Case 5: When your ex approaches your girlfriend trying to prove that the estranged two are still talking, much like Candy approached Tarah about Steffan, Steffan shoulda said that keeping the dvd remote was clearly an oversight, instead of denying he ever had it and then leaving it in some things to be stored at his girlfriends house.

Case 6: I suppose the wonderful words of wisdom handed to us by WHAM!/George Michael have proven true. For as you are caught grinding on a girl that you have proclaimed time and time again that you don't even talk to, tho you so gracefully blew off plans with someone else (who you've wasted all this time proclaiming said lie to) when she sees you and catches you red handed...or yellowed hair....best stop the grinding and run out of the club before she gets out of the bathroom cause...it's true...guilty feet ain't got no rhythm.

In closing, if you truly need to lie to someone, perhaps you should run it by the B and B (Berthrong and Black) otherwise known as, BS Busters. So that maybe you have a chance in hell of making your lie believable, cause trust me kid, we've heard it all.

As the world turns upside....

2005-03-14T20:37:00.000-05:00

Take a moment and reflect back to when you were 15 years old. For some of you that might take a good minute or two but please gather there with me. I say 15 because back then we enjoyed things that we don't really enjoy so much as an adult. There are lots of things I could list, but today I'm going to focus on one in particular. CARNIVAL RIDES.

I'm not sure what happens, because at age 15 we think such things are AWESOME! I used to spend tons of time and money at EVERY fair/carnival and the like that would make it's way to my little town. Funny that back then, Tilt a Whirl just didn't "do it" for me. You know what I mean? I needed it to be daring...I needed it to stir the adrenaline a bit. Ferris Wheel? That thing was for kids, old people, and those wanting to make out. I was always eager to jump into the line for some heart stopping, gut wrenching rides. What happened?

I ask because I was fortunate enough to attend the "Sports Carnival" at the Aloha Stadium this past Friday night. For starters, all my Kakalaka folks can appreciate the fact that this little carnival made the Stokes County Fair look like the Dixie Classic. It had about 5 big people rides and some games. It was cute I suppose. So naturally, I attended with someone who was more than eager to ride everything that made my stomach turn to knots. I DON'T KNOW WHY! I used to ride this stuff and enjoy it. Now just looking at the ride makes my ulcer act up. Not to mention I seem to be slightly more concerned about the construction of these very rides. I never cared before...stuff coulda been hangin loose and I would have begged and pleaded for the ever attractive ride crew to let me on anyway. So to my surprise, as I'm sitting there on even a slow paced not too thrilling ride, I got a little nervous that they found a bolt on the ground and started to search for where it came off.

Tilt a Whirl (though not at this carnival but at the Punahou Mud Fest 2005 that Deanna, Rob and I attended earlier in the year) proved to be enough good hearted fun for me and Deanna. Then at the Sports Carnival I'm FORCED to ride that big circle known as the "Ring of Fire". You know...the one that's basically a roller coaster that only goes in one big loop. STUPID. But anyway, I was joined on this ride by Shaneazy and her side kick Patrick. Patrick said it best as we were suspended there in air, upside down, all the change falling out of our pockets, "there is no need for this, just no need". I agreed with Patrick also when he commented that the ride just took up too much space. But seriously, what is fun about that? just forced to hang upside down in this contraption like a gosh darn monkey! Gettin' all bruised from the restraints, losing everything you're carrying for what? to slow roll back and forth in a circular motion??? HOW IS THIS FUN? WHY DID I EVER THINK THIS WAS FUN?

The Zipper...

At one point in time the Zipper was most definitely one of my favorite rides. If you can't picture it it's the one that has ferris wheel like seats but they are caged. The ride rolls you around like you are a freakin hamster in a running ball. Round and Round...Round we go like Tupac says. As you can imagine, Mr. Patrick was a huge fan of this ride as well. Granted, after I got used to it for a minute, I did find it fun, but I think for the most part the fun stuff was listening to Patrick and Shanelle scream and complain in horror! Otherwise...flipping back and forth, back and forth, again losing the contents of your pockets, truly not necessary.

So what happened to me? Am I silly? Did this happen to you guys? Am I alone on this? I can't even imagine trying to ride like a for real ride at a theme park. I imagine I'd lose whatever cheese dog I'd just scarfed down!

"Proper" Vehicle Maintenance

2005-03-06T01:34:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not the mechanic type. And though I know most of the basic little rules, such as: change your oil every 3000 miles, I don't always abide by them. Not on purpose, I have been known to be somewhat forgetful at times. As far as oil changes go, lets just say I was VERY forgetful. I'll refrain from telling you just how many miles my truck did travel before I actually decided/remembered to change the oil because I want to avoid embarrassing myself as well as having all mouths of those who read this drop to the floor.

Friday afternoon, after an already long and stressful day, myself and Deeez Nuts, set out on a mission to maintain my vehicle. We stroll into Checkers and D just knows exactly where to go. (I shoulda took shop in High School! CURSES!) She goes and grabs this and that and this and that until we both have arms full. Oil filter, oil, some windshield washer fluid, a couple of tools, some box to soak up the oil, and "while we're at it" she says, she grabs an air filter. I walk out very satisfied with my purchases and impressed by Deanna's knowledge of the task at hand. Onward to IHO PLACE.

After throwing on some old clothes and feeling proud that I was finally going to do right by my truck AND I was going to learn to do something automotive related on my own, we set off to the car wash area of the complex. We said to hell with that memo that came out a month ago about no more oil changes there! I popped the hood, grabbed my flashlight and some rags and I was ready. Deanna slides up under the vehicle with the greatest of ease and starts to work her magic. I was the light holder. I didn't mind. I'm slightly claustophobic and well lets just say my truck is a tad bit lower to the ground then say the hmmvv's (that's humvees for all you civilians out there) I'm used to crawling underneath.

D was struggling with the bolt and asked me to take a stab at it. So now my once hexagon shaped bolt is now a complete circle. Yep, stripped to the bone! Why does anyone let me pick up tools? Didn't we learn our lesson with the drafting table incident? I grew up using my mom's heels as a hammer for christ sake. Just tell me NO from now on. Needless to say, we couldn't get the bolt off. Taking a break for a moment...we decided we'd tackle the air filter while we pondered what to do next on the oil change.

So, air filter's aren't supposed to be black! WHO KNEW? The disgusted look on Deanna and Rob's (who's brute strength made it possible to change said air filter) was enough to let me know that this was unacceptable. OOOPS. Oh well, now it's nice and white again and oh so fresh and so clean.

...back to the oil.

I decided I'd check the oil to see exactly how much was in there. I haven't checked it yet, so why not? YEP, bone dry! Go figure! We decided that in that case, there was so little oil to drain that not being able to remove the plug at this time wouldn't cause any further damage than my laziness had already created. "We'll just change the filter and add new oil" says Deanna. Back underneath the truck we go...

Deanna struggles for a good minute with the filter and her attempts to remove it meet with negative results. MY TURN...can't strip this one so I guess it was ok to let me have a stab at it. Twisting and turning for DAYS it felt like, while Rob and Deanna decided it was "Be mean to B day" as they stood over the truck. Not only discussing my negligence toward my vehicle but apparently I'm a bad friend as well 'cause I haven't been up to Rob's place yet for microwave hot dogs. MY BAD! I don't let their evil comments get me down though, just continue to play tug o war with this stupid filter. I ask Deanna, "Hey, no oil is going to come out right?" She replies with "Nah!"

I knock the catch pan/box thingy out of the way to try and get a better grip and position on the situation at hand. Few more tugs and FINALLY she's loose! I'm so excited....then AH HA! I GOT IT! Yep, I got it alright! Had I been just a little lower down it would have been straight out of the movie "Better Off Dead" OIL RIGHT IN THE EYE TYPE OF THING! But no, just down the arm, the shoulder, chest, so forth. Did I mention due to the extensive travel prior to...it was about 200 freakin degrees! AGH!

Roars of laughter from the peanut gallery.

And this is how not to take care of your vehicle!

Reasons you should NOT, I REPEAT SHOULD NOT DRINK!

2005-03-03T04:41:00.000-05:00

You may wake up the next morning and realize you've had a 10 minute confession to a trash can......"Fresh cut broccoli"
You repeatedly fall down and continue to blame it on your wooden leg despite the fact that the same leg doesn't cause you to fall down on a daily basis.
You might make out with a complete stranger and the whole time think it's someone else.
You might find out the next day that the stranger was "someone else's" cousin.
You might break a nose...And enjoy it.
You may awake to find yourself LOCKED inside your friend's car with the windows only slightly cracked for breathing purposes as if you were an animal, only to realize she's gone on to the next bar without you.
You may find yourself waiting outside of a bar to jump someone who started a fight with you in the bar, even if you have torn ligaments in the shoulder of your strong arm and it's immobilized.
You may start a fight with a hooker.
You may fall down and rip some borrowed clothes.
You just might give someone a hand job.
You might decide to drop trou and urinate in the bushes right in front of the big window at Denny's and think it's ok.
You might dance the Charleston in Denny's .
LADONT, ladon't let her near you if she's got a drink in her hand!
You may wake up the next morning with unexplained black eyes and cuts across your face.
You find out two weeks later that the black eyes and cuts came from a very large man who didn't appreciate your incredible charm (extreme sarcasm and mordant wit) like your friends do, who in turn proceeded to punch you not once but twice, knocking you off of your barstool.
You realize that 14 and 15 happen quite often.
You wear a sheet and a clip on mullet....ON PURPOSE!
You argue with random people at the hot dog stand outside of Moose's.
You may squirt you're best friend with ketchup and mustard and laugh about it.
You may be inclined to skip the trip to the bathroom and just urinate on the bar.
You might get video taped.
You may just lose all senses and go spelunking in "April flowers"
You might get a tid bit nipply.
Beer goggles are a bitch!
You may pass out at the table and drool so badly that Air Assault could rappel from it.
You may pass out and drool all over your roommate.
You just might find yourself having sex in the back of a truck (the bed I mean) in Saratoga Parking lot.
You could wake up and find yourself lying in a pool of pistachio shells
You might sleep with "sponge bob"
(when on deployment) "Fatal Attraction" with her "Sponge Bob" voice might drop a fist full of dimes and you wake up the next morning with a field grade.

....you know i love you dawg!

CHEW ON THIS....What I'm doing right now!

got asprin?

2005-03-02T21:24:00.000-05:00

....5 hours, 50 1st graders, field trip. Need I say more? GOD BLESS kindergarten/first grade teachers! They have their work cut out for them! Maybe that's why Deanna is bananas!

Fruit Loops VS Cracklin Oat Bran

2005-03-01T15:34:00.000-05:00

Here's a good question which was asked to me this morning. At what age do we put down the Cocoa Puffs and pick up the Bran Flakes? Is it so wrong to be 25 years old and still diggin' on some Fruity Pebbles? Who says I have to eat Smart Start just because I'm an adult? Should I feel immature and ridiculously silly just because I'm carrying my box of Boo Berry to the cashier instead of some Go Lean Crunch? All my favorite cereals, kid cereals I guess you would call them, with all the sugar coating and marshmallows, and things that make the milk turn cool colors while you are consuming, taste great! Can anyone out there dispute that? I don't care how grown up a person is, no one can tell me they don't enjoy some Apple Jacks from time to time. Furthermore, who TRULY enjoys the taste of all that bran and adult cereal out there? It's like someone chopped up some cardboard and threw it in a box and said, "HERE JUST ADD MILK." GROSS! The only way I can choke down a box of cardboard flakes is if I empty half of my sugar bowl on them first. But really, the only thing that does is now make it a sugar coated piece of crap. YUCK! I'm sticking with my Cap'n Crunch Berries and you guys can keep your Honey Bunches of O's.

And yes, the prize inside may help determine which cereal I get on that day. (big smile)

LET ME STATE FOR THE RECORD...

I'd like to thank Miss Erin for bringing this thought upon me and helping me to investigate my true feelings about breakfast cereal. THANK YOU!

By the way, D digs the adult stuff, claims she always has....SIGH!

* * * Romeo Update * * *

2005-03-01T05:10:00.000-05:00

I'm very sad to say that Romeo has indeed left the building. He is now back with his original owner, HOPEFULLY the abuse ceases. What should one charge for oh...I dunno...4 months of Fish Sitting? Send me your thoughts.

In the meantime, DO IT!

Banana Guard (This is wrong on so many levels and I think illegal in 3 countries)

Mind Altering ENERGY DRINK! (How come Red Bull never has this effect on me?)

At the tone the time will be...... (Useless, but fun)

alas....OUR VERY OWN FAN CLUB!

2005-03-01T04:00:00.000-05:00

Never did I imagine that little ole me, alone with my little ole blog would create such a stir here on the (as Rob says) intra-web. However, lately, it has come to my attention that many have come to love and adore my nervous chatter. THIS WARMS MY HEART! I set out on a mission to touch the lives of those out there wandering around aimlessly in life. My only wish was for them to find me here, enter my protective wings and let me love them like no one before.

On that note, let's meet J! (refer to picture below) J, is a 29 year old CANUCKLEHEAD (courtesy of the Racial Slurs Database) male who lacks intimacy in his life. I can't imagine why such a charming 29 year old Matthew Lillard looking reject would have such a hard time finding intimacy. Let's read what J has to say about his troubles..."Funnily enough, I spent the majority of my childhood buried in books and avoiding other semi-social activities - I'm almost shamed to admit that I went through the whole roleplaying game geek phase... even more so to confess that I preferred sitting in my room and making characters rather than playing the game itself."

It does seem to offer a small glimpse into why J might not be able to find exactly what he is looking for. I mean, come on, socially detached since youth? Head constantly buried in a book? Please do not misunderstand, I am all about curling up with a good book, though I must admit I did manage to have quite a social interaction as a child, a teen, and now even as an adult I am constantly engaged in social activities. Probably the reason I have better things to do with my time then search the web for blogs to stalk and lay upon them my two meaningless cents. But let's look deeper than that. J continues "I don't have a nice car, I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have 'success' (but this is a whole other kettle of fish)... "

Why am I not surprised J? You are quite the looker! (detect underlying sarcasm here) PITY PARTY? TABLE FOR ONE? Awwww, poor J, I feel for you with my deepest of sympathies. See, what I imagine is this...J is a 29 year old internet dork who goes to work at a pathetic dead end job that his pricey ($5 dictionary, $7 thesaurus) vocabulary and excellent grammar couldn't even help him to get. No girl wants him for a few obvious reasons we have already disclosed, no nice car? I'd say that is a result of the career field he's chosen. I'm going to guess, barista? Or cashier at Borders (you know those cats are disgruntled rejects, MOST ANYWAY) I imagine that a day in the life of J would go as follows:

The alarm strikes the waking hour,
Out of bed and into the shower,
Stumble to the closet door,
Put on the green apron once more,
Turn the key of a broken down ride,
Won't start again, at least I tried,
Off to work, must catch the bus,
Where all day long I listen to fuss,
However did my life get this way?
Perhaps I should listen to what my shrink has to say?
9 hours down, the coffee is all out,
It wasn't so bad, til I saw my net pay amount,
Back to my house, my parents that is,
In a damp dark basement that's where I live,
Rush to my notebook, not the paper kind,
On the internet is where I spend my time,
Searching so hard site after site,
Same thing happens each and every night,
Start with some culture, maybe a blog or two?
Then its on to the personals sites when that's through,
No mail again today, why am I not loved?
Grab the lube and get the glove,
Connect to the porn now, got accounts on all sites,
For this is how I get to sleep each night,
Lying in bed tears fill my eyes,
I fight them back by telling myself lies,
Fooling myself on all scales
Burying the past forgetting how I've failed
No one is greater than I
and tomorrow I wake to continue the lie.

As I said, everyone, please welcome J into our lives, for he is a lost soul that needs some attention. All of us, more fortunate individuals with promising careers and significant others in our lives often forget the little guys. The miserable little people who because they lack a sense of self try to find it through the pain of others.

Let us pray..

2005-03-01T03:59:00.000-05:00

Everyone please give a nice warm welcome to Mr. J, founder of the Nervous Chatter's Anonymous, he's my number one fan!

SLAPPY TANG meets SNAGGLE TOOTH

2005-03-01T02:07:00.000-05:00

So there I was...reading over my boy's blogger, checking out all his little links that I can't view when at work, thank you SIGNAL for blocking everything FUN on our computers. I think I'd have to say that my favorite website while at work would be the one that flashes BLOCKED across the screen and informs me that I'm being monitored. Love it! Anyway, strayed again, sorry, it happens often I'm afraid. "In the world of kiddom, the mind switches gears rapidly" as Ralphie so eagerly informed us in "A Christmas Story". Tho, (mispelled for convenience, just protecting myself from the self righteous, no life, web surfers who like to critize the way I express myself [refer to comments on "a whole new language" post]) anyway, I may not in actuality be a child but I always want to semi reside in the world of kiddom, after all, it's fun there. DANG IT, I did it again.

FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS

Rob's blog, websites, ahh yes. I stumbled upon the Prison Bitch Name Generator. This is not surprising knowing the Big T like I do and fondly remembering the night we all sat around the 2604 and got aquainted with our Porn Star Names. Mine, was indeed SLAPPY TANG! How awesome is that? Just call me SLAPPY! Rob's was CPL Hardon, Pedro = General Sticky, Sarah = Nikki ASStroNUT. I think these are the best ever.

It wasn't very long ago that Rob and I were seated at one of our little food spots that we so adore, if not for the food alone, for the name DIRTY LICKENS! Granted, they boast about New York style wings and lets be honest people, on the island of OAHU they don't know the first thing about New York style anything, but the foods not bad, the name, even better. In fact it was the fact that they sell t-shirts there, of course saying DIRTY LICKENS, that Rob thought it would be a great idea to make up sorta co-ed softball jerseys using such shirts and putting each of our porn names on the back. I think it's a great idea...still in the works of course. Who has $12 bucks for t-shirt when you gotta XXXXXXX XXXXXX'X XXXXXX XXX XXXXX XXX XXXXX XXXXXX XXX XX XX XX XXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX. I censored the bashing comments on my "new found money problem".

As for the SNAGGLE TOOTH? I bet you can imagine that is my Prison Bitch name. Again, its fabulous! But remember back in the day how each of us was forced on our own to come up with our porn name? By taking your first pet's name and the street you grew up on. By that standard, I was none other than...Midnight Pleasantview. Not bad, but I'm diggin SLAPPY TANG more! So thank the GOD in the heavens that he has given us web based generators to create them for us now! AMEN.

Honorable Mention

2005-02-28T17:33:00.000-05:00

I got so twisted up in my confusing constantly changing points that i failed to mention one very important aspect of my weekend. (as Best Friend would say, "Good story.")

My dear friend Deanna and roommate (until today *sniff* she's moved on to cheaper rent) and I celebrated our "Last Goonies Weekend" by bar hopping downtown. Starting first with MAGOOS off of University Ave. where the beer's cheap and the pizza is great...if you are drunk. DO NOT ATTEMPT SOBER. From there we made our way to Kapiolani Blvd to one of my favorite spots....BLACK GARTER . The beer certainly isn't cheap there, however, I did get to twirl her whilst we danced to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" from there we made our way to Kelly O'neils off of Lewers. It was here that we hit the highlight of our evening. As we sat there and enjoyed the music of a live band, parked at the ONLY available table in the rear by the male restroom, place is forever packed, I spotted a young lad wearing "Rex Kwando pants" for those of you who don't understand what I mean by that comment, its is obvious you've never seen Nap Dynamite. GOSH! When I reference the pants, YES I MEAN THE AMERICAN FLAG ONES! Anyway, for those of you that do understand..continue on..if you don't continue on as well. So Deanna strikes up a little conversation with this dashing individual and asked him if he had seen the movie. He replied ever so snotty, "I lost brain cells watching that movie" In the words of Lewis Black, MY FIST STOPPED RIGHT AT HIS FACE! But before I broke his nose, Deanna says to the guy, "But no one wants a roundhouse kick to the face while you're wearing those pants" TOOOO CLASSIC! Made for an awesome night. WHY did I NOT take a picture with this camera phone o' mine? All that money for a camera phone I forget I have. Blah.

I think it is also important to mention this, my friends are known for their creativity of course, but I got a comparison today that I just feel as though I need to share with you beautiful people. This comes straight from my friend Erin (otherwise known as the E-liminator) who resides in ROME, NY (its like the West Virginia of New York)

..."(insert name of idiot here)'s intellect/intelligence is comparative to the size of a fruit flys testicle."

You gotta admit, that's pretty freakin small!

While I'm on Erin, let's also mention this. May I first say, witty little thing she is. She threw this riddle upon me today, "What do you get when you cross 2 tards and a military law enforcement personnel?"

referring of course to herself, Deanna, and me. Her answer?
"............maybe you get 3 tards"

Now, examine some of my ideas:
i must say, 2 tards plus a military police officer can = several options.

1. Nothing Special, Sorta Special, and Very Special
2. B.E.D version 2.0 (NEW AND IMPROVED) longer lasting, more fun, lots of tech support
3. Two monkeys and a Zoo Keeper
4. Two turntables and a microphone
5. Two Yanks and a Hillbilly
6. One SUPA DOPE FLY LESBIAN and her groupies
7. The Law meets the outlaws
8. one utterly amazing orgy
9. Our on little season of "LOST"
10. High risk for getting arrested

Lastly:

I discovered today that I was colorblind...after all these years...are you kidding me? I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE each of you to take the time and check yourself. I HAD NO IDEA! Explains alot. Like why I've NEVER matched anything I wore.

Color Vision Deficiency Test

NOTE WORTHY SPOTS TO PLAY ON:

1. Know who they are talking about (for my new found MN friend Dusty, a lovely friendship brought together by Robert)

2. Look at him go (for those who aspire to one day be able to cut up the rug like no other)

3, You too can be Mr. Miagi! (be a man, or woman, and play the darn thing!)

2005-02-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

"help me"

2005-02-28T13:10:00.000-05:00

poor abused beta

FREE TO GOOD HOME!

2005-02-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

ATTN: Classified Ad's Section, HONOLULU ADVERTISER
cc EBAY
Please place the following ad in your paper/website until told otherwise

..ahem

FREE TO GOOD HOME. 1 bluish in color beta fish. Approximately 3 inches in length. Goes by the name Romeo and/or Poor little guy. Abandoned by owner in November 04. Comes complete with bowl, stand, and light. Light is useful in showing the green water said owner has left poor little guy to rot in. VERY SMART, can spell "help me" with fin on dirty glass. Is used to living in tight spaces ie one inch deep water. IMAGINE THAT, water evaporates after time. Interesting. Great with kids. Slightly nervous behavior. Great listener. NEEDS LOTS OF TLC! Free shipping world wide. If interested, inquire within at the TwO 6 zero FIZZIE.

ROCK STAR!

2005-02-19T01:24:00.000-05:00

"I love technology, but not as much as you, you see, still I love technology"

a whole new language

2005-02-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

All those who know me are aware that I work for an idiot. However my boy Rob (Big T) and I have decided that this is acceptable because she's got some big ole titties. Frankly though, it's rather frustrating to deal with such a moron. She does mean well I think but her efforts to be as we like to say in the Army "squared away" often land her flat on her face. You gotta give her props because she's from Poland thus indicating that English is a second language for her. Being a teacher of 10 year olds here in the wonderful world of Oahu I most def appreciate that because alot of my students are ESL. Therefore the occasional communication breakdown is somewhat expected. AHEM it is however when such an individual walks around constantly boasting proudly that she holds 2 degrees from UCLA (where she majored in the Russian Language) and thus claims to be the all seeing and all knowing that this can become extremely annoying.

For example, I'm 25 years old. I have a few years of higher education under my belt, granted not in RUSSIAN, but in majors that actually might help me in the real world, ie general studies, psychology, and elementary education. NEEDLESS to say I'm almost positive that I fully understand the meaning of the word summarize! Good ole SGT HLAVATY (yeah try saying that without sounding like you are hacking up a loogie) Felt the need to explain it to me anyhow.

See what had happened was...I got myself in a smidge of trouble. First time in my Army career. To make a long story short I had to do this ridiculously long paper / essay / otherwise known as an R.B.I. (Reply by Indorsement) Speaking of making up words, only in the Army do we spell the word endorsement with an I. UGH! I've strayed from point. Though before I continue if you'd like to read my buddy Rob's take on the whole thing you may do so here http://seamusmcpoop.blogspot.com/2005/01/if-only-it-was-like-beetle-bailey.html

The reason ole JOLA (pronounced Yola cause that's how they do it in Poland I guess) aka SGT Hlavaty, felt the need to explain to me what summarize meant is because after completing my ridiculously insane assignment, the crazy fella we call TOP asked, um no, ORDERED me to summarize all 20,000 words of it for an upcoming formation. Like I don't know what the word summarize means. GEEZ

If only it stopped there. The true reason for this post was not to tell you that, though it does offer a better insight to the world in which I am about to take you. I'm totally frustrated with people lately just making words up like its nothing. Just creating a whole new language and context for the words they choose to use. Stupidity, though funny at times, makes me angry! For starters, ENDORSEMENT IS NOT SPELLED WITH AN I!!!!!! Who do these Army people think they are just changing the dictionary to fit their own selfish needs. I'm almost positive that some uneducated idiot Non Commissioned Officer along the way figured and acronym of RBE would just be too hard to remember.

Big ole tittie Jola made her way on to my list rather early on as well. We received a shipment of supplies in our office one day and Mrs. Brilliant herself proclaims, "We need to inventorize this stuff before we leave today." After a loud chuckle and an eye roll I inquired, "don't you mean INVENTORY?" For my dear sweet stupid supervisor you must know that a: inventorize is not a word and b: here in the English language it happens from time to time that a word may be used as either a noun or a verb. SHE THEN PROCEEDED TO TELL ME I WAS AN IDIOT. WHAT??? Challenge me? I'll consult Mr. Webster himself. Of course, good ole Webster agreed with me. Inventorize is not a word! IMAGINE THAT. He also suggested I check with the Polish dictionary, maybe I could find it there. (side note I'd be scared of what I might find there) Jola continued to plea her case that it was in fact a word and that the entire group of us in the office were stupid and illiterate. Claiming that anyone with two degrees from UCLA must be correct and rest of us should bow down. TWO DEGREES IN RUSSIAN YOU FREAKING MORON! GOSH!!

I will say that eventually (weeks later) she hung her head in shame when it had been proven time and time again that inventorize was not a word. And now seems to be a growing joke through out our company. You gotta love people like this though. They bring laughter into your day!

It doesn't stop there with big titties. She, being an ethic individual should have more respect for others alike. However she cannot understand the concept that people from the land of Asia are commonly known as ASIANS and NOT ORIENTALS. Often I will hear her commenting like so, "this oriental girl...." I've told her time and time again, that oriental only counts in food and rugs, yet she still argues with me on this point. I then asked her if she'd appreciate being referred to as a Pollock. OUCH, the repercussions of that were to be expected.

But lets get off Mrs. Jola for a moment. She is far from the only individual around me that just enjoys making up words. Rob and I were riding around the other day, running errands and so forth. At my favorite little spot here on the island (Cash N Advance) I was once again receiving a pay day loan. STAY TUNED FOR MY THEORY ON MONEY. The little girl in the booth tells me that the next time I come in I can get an increasement. Why do people insist on making things harder than they need to be? Much like Jola's inventorize, thinking that inventory couldn't work as both a noun and a verb. This coy little girl behind the bars said "increasement" as though increase didn't serve the purpose.

Another common one I hear all the time and even lost my composure when I heard it fly from the mouth of a news caster on a morning news show, would be irregardless. IRREGARDLESS IS NOT A WORD PEOPLE! Understand that the concept you are trying to portray with the IR you are already expressing with the word REGARDLESS itself! Don't believe me? Consult the experts. I would not tell you a lie!

People are out there just straight re-writing the dictionary! Even my father (we call him deddy), whom I absolutely idolize, who is my hero, has been known to misconstrue a word or two in his day. Most of his more funny ones are slipping my mind at the moment. Though I do remember this one and at the time of its use offered the needed comic relief that it provided. My grandfather (his dad), another one of my heroes had just passed away. The family was there, all but me, I had to take emergency leave and was on my way home from Fort LostintheWoods MO. Everyone's mood was sad and grim as the death of a loved one is not a happy occasion. My father, on the phone with the funeral director said the following, "well, I know my dad wanted to be cremated and placed in a urinal" Poor deddy, meaning urn of course, but it did manage to lighten the mood for the entire family as he realized his mistake!

Ok, enough of this for a moment. But keep your eyes peeled for I will add new, new words whenever I come in contact with them.

the one killah b

2005-01-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

ok, so i'm kickin this thing off real proper like. get ready, set, GO!